


Picture House

by therese_af



Series: Picture House [1]
Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-06-06 17:08:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 37,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6762667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therese_af/pseuds/therese_af
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 1950s New York City, Therese Belivet works at a picture house. A regular customer - a blonde woman - catches her eye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have 10 chapters of this already, as I've been waiting for my AO3 invite. So I'll be updating really frequently, at least in the beginning. 
> 
> It's a seriously slow burn, but pretty short chapters.

When Dannie and Phil had first suggested the job to her, Therese thought it sounded dull. She did not particularly like films. Although, admittedly, she had only seen a few. Going to the picture house was an expense that she could not justify, and, in fact, the thought of serving the wealthy people who frequented the picture house made her stomach sink a little. She would be a blank face, serving people on their regular nights out, handing over tickets to date goers, checking coats equivalent in cost to several months of her rent.

Therese’s first few days at the picture house had been fine, however. It turned out that all sorts of people came to the theatre, and they all had been quite polite to her. She had even been given a 50 cent tip from a young couple. She had told the young woman that she liked her coat, as she took it across the counter for checking. It was a genuine compliment, but it made the woman grin from ear to ear. Therese suspected that the tip, paid from the man’s pocket, was perhaps a way for him to impress his date, but the encounter pleased her nonetheless.

She was even beginning to enjoy the rhythm of working late. Therese had always been an early riser, but now without the constraints of a 9-5, she found herself lying in a little longer. Leisurely mornings would find her enjoying coffee and toast, before perhaps spending time reading a book, or developing photographs if she had taken any the day before. She would play a record and mill about her apartment all the morning, as she did not have to leave until well after lunch. She enjoyed the solitude of the day, and would often find herself not speaking a word all morning, until she bumped into Dannie or Phil, or one of her other coworkers.

As she arrived at the picture house for her fourth shift, she found Dannie sitting in the break room.

“Hiya, Terry,” he managed with a mouth full of sandwich.

Therese used the key she wore around her neck to open her locker, and stuffed her large green purse inside. It barely fit, but she brought her camera today, and she did not want to risk leaving it in the open, where anyone could steal it.

Therese checked the schedule pinned up by the lockers as she pinned her name badge to her chest.

“You’ve got coat check,” she said over her shoulder. “I’m in the ticket booth.”

A slow night for both of them, then. There would be a rush for Therese before each session, and for Dannie both before and after, but while the films were showing, there would not be much else to do.

Therese made her way out into the foyer, entered the ticket booth and relieved her co-worker a few minutes early. Sat on the crimson stool, the booth faced Therese into the street ready to sell tickets to patrons before they entered the main doors.

 

 

Over the next few hours, Therese took coins out of sweaty hands, and slid ticket stubs across the counter. It was dull work, but she enjoyed facing out into the street, watching the world and its people pass by as the sun set. Protected by the glass of the booth, she felt able to watch people more closely than one can usually get away with.

Therese first saw the woman as she crossed the street towards her. Her blonde hair shone in the sea of brown and gray people around her. She wore a fur coat, which she held tightly, as the night had grown very cool. Therese could not take her eyes off the woman and immediately knew that she would come to her counter. As she stepped up onto the curb off the street, the woman swept her hair back with one gloved hand – an attempt to neaten it – and it was the most elegant movement Therese had ever seen. She had never even noticed such a thing in anyone else.

Time seemed to slow as the fur coated woman came to the counter. By the time Therese saw the brown leather gloves across the glass from her, Therese was holding her breath. She felt the woman was a mirage, and that if she spoke, the woman, her coat, and the gloves would disappear into a puff of smoke.

“One please,” the woman spoke deeply, without looking up to Therese, as she removed her gloves and placed them gently on the counter.

Therese’s eyes slowly caressed the woman’s lips. They traced down her chest, along her arms, to the purse that now rested on the counter. The woman was digging through it, looking for coins. Therese would have given her the ticket anyway, but she eventually found them, and slid the 60 cents across the counter.

Therese placed her palm over the coins and slowly brought them towards her. She pushed them to the side, away from the cash register, and slid one ticket back towards the woman, silently begging for her to look up.

An hour could have passed, but it was still over too quickly as, without even a glance in her direction, the woman’s perfectly coral painted fingers picked up the pink ticket stub, her purse and gloves, and she stepped away. Usually Therese would say a polite ‘enjoy the film’ or ‘have a nice evening’, but the woman had come and gone while Therese held the same air in her lungs.

With no queue behind the blonde woman, Therese swivelled her stool to face the glass behind her. She watched the woman glide through the foyer towards the coat check counter, where Dannie was leaning, looking at a newspaper, with pencil in hand, resting on his chin.

Therese watched the woman approach the counter. She saw Dannie’s lips move. He tapped on the newspaper with his pencil as he continued speaking to her. He was asking her a question from the crossword, Therese thought. She watched Dannie lean down and pencil in the answer. All the while, she could only see the back of the woman’s head.

The woman probably thought crosswords were silly and simple. Dannie would not notice that type of thing, and would often ramble on when people lost interest. Still, at least the woman had spoken to him. She probably even glanced at his face. Maybe they even locked eyes for a moment.

Therese’s thoughts were interrupted by the clearing of a throat. The queue was five deep, and growing impatient. Mumbling an apology, Therese collected coins, placed them in the cash register, and slid tickets across to dirty nails and blank faces. All the while, her eyes kept glancing at the coins on the counter. The coins the woman had once held.

 

 

Later that evening, when it was quiet, she caressed each coin, and placed them slowly into the register. Now like any other coin. The next person who held them would not know whose hands they had passed through. They would not know of the blonde woman. When Therese got to the last one – a ten cent piece – she slipped it into her pocket. She asked Dannie to watch the counter so she could use the restroom. Instead, Therese went to her locker, opened her purse, took a ten cent coin and placed that one in the register instead.

She kept the woman’s coin in her pocket for the rest of the evening.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that night, Therese, Phil and Dannie went out for a drink. Phil was a projectionist at the picture house, and so Therese did not see him often during their shifts. The trio would go out afterwards most nights, usually for just one or two drinks, before heading home at around midnight. This particular evening, they were staying out a little longer. Phil had the next day off, and so he kept buying rounds of drinks, despite Therese’s insistence that she should head home.

Three drinks in, Therese kept placing her hand to her waist, to feel the round coin through fabric.

“Who was that woman?” she suddenly blurted across the table to Dannie.

“What woman?” Dannie queried before sipping his beer.

What woman! Therese could not believe that Dannie did not know whom she spoke of. As if God himself had walked through the foyer to check his coat, and Dannie had not even noticed.

“The woman in the fur coat. She came in at around 7,” Therese tried to act casual.

“Oh, her. Yeah, she’s a regular. She comes in a few times a week, usually alone.”

Therese’s heart skipped a beat at the prospect of seeing the woman again.

“She’s very…”

As Therese was looking for the right word through the buzz of the alcohol, Phil interrupted, yelling across the bar, asking if she wanted beer or wine. By the time she answered and turned back to Dannie, she could see that the topic had passed. He did not care about the woman.

Phil carried five beers by the necks of the bottles, and placed them with a thud on the table.

“Go easy, Phil!” Dannie yelled, grabbing two bottles for himself, steadying them from falling.

As the boys became rowdier, drinking at a much faster pace than herself, Therese retreated to her own thoughts. She quickly found her mind wandering back to the blonde woman. She’s very… beautiful. She’s very… mesmerising. A cliché to say, but these words did not do the woman justice. Although she knew that no one is perfect, the woman was the closest to it she had ever seen. She was perfectly put together. Therese’s mind wandered back to the way the woman’s hips moved, underneath her fur coat, as she floated across the road. The movement of her hips was like music or poetry, but unlike anything she had heard or read.

“Earth to Terry. Earth to Terry,” Phil chanted.

Therese glanced up from her thoughts and emptying beer to the boys across the table.

“There she is!” Dannie smiled.

“Are you okay, Terry?” Phil questioned.

“Just tired. I’m actually going home this time.”

Therese stood, swigged the last from her bottle, and grabbed her coat and purse. She said her goodbyes to the boys, and pushed her way through the doors onto the quiet cold street. Shrugging her coat on, Therese made her way the few blocks towards her apartment.

Despite bringing her camera to work today, Therese had not taken any photographs. Sometimes she took a few on her way home, but tonight she was a little too drunk and much too unfocused.

Once inside her apartment, the first thing Therese did was remove the coin from her pocket, and place it on her bedside table. She washed her face, changed into pyjamas, and sat down on her bed. After just a second, she stood back up, grabbed her camera, and pointed the lens at the bedside table. She looked through the lens, and pressed the shutter button. She captured the image of everyday things – a glass of water, a safety pin, an alarm clock, a small paperback book, and a ten cent piece.

 

 

 

The next morning, Therese slept in until half past eight. She was bathed and dressed, eating some toast when the buzzer rang. Not many people came to visit her, and she was not expecting anyone this morning, but she buzzed them up anyway. A few seconds later, there were a three firm knocks at her door.

Therese opened the door cautiously, with a piece of toast in hand.

“Phil… Hi! I wasn’t expecting you,” Therese grinned at her unexpected guest.

Phil, holding a toolbox, pushed his way past Therese into her apartment.

“Last night you mentioned a dripping faucet. I thought I’d come fix it for you,” Phil shrugged, as if the gesture were no big deal. Phil was very handy, and it was not unusual for him to help her with some laborious task, and Therese always appreciated it. He placed the toolbox down on the small kitchen table, and began examining the faucet in question.

“You seemed to have pulled through okay after last night…” Therese began.

As Phil selected the right tools, he told Therese that he and Dannie did not get home until almost two in the morning, but that Dannie was much worse off than himself.

“My little brother can’t keep up,” Phil joked. “I’m sure you’ll see at work later this afternoon, unless there is a miraculous recovery.”

Therese stood in the kitchen and laughed, as Phil lay on his back under the sink, telling how he had to basically carry Dannie home.

“Hey Terry, can you pass me a wrench?” Phil pointed towards the toolbox.

Therese sorted through the toolbox, lifting screwdrivers of different sizes, a chisel and a hammer, until she found the wrench. She placed the tool into Phil’s open hand.

Looking at the tools that now lay on her kitchen table, Therese had an idea.

“Phil, how would you put a hole in a coin?” she asked casually.

“I suppose you could use a hammer and nail with a bit of muscle,” Phil replied from under the sink. “Why?”

“I’d like to put a coin on my necklace. Do you mind if I give it a try?”

Phil insisted on doing it for her. When he finished with the faucet, and tested it, he grabbed a loose coin from his pocket and prepared to puncture it.

“Oh! Um, I have a particular coin…” Therese was embarrassed, knowing how silly it sounded.

She ducked around the corner to the bedroom and grabbed the coin. She was hesitant to hand it to Phil, since it felt particularly special to her. Trying to hide her hesitation, she placed it on the wooden block Phil had set up, rather than placing it in his hand. Therese watched as Phil held a nail to the coin, and began to hammer. It took a few decent swings to get through, and then Phil picked it up with a smile.

Therese’s heart sunk a little, as she saw his fingers around the coin, and she grabbed it quickly from him.

Phil packed up, said goodbye, and was gone within moments. Therese was left standing in her kitchen, holding the punctured coin tight in her palm.


	3. Chapter 3

From then on, as Therese walked to work, she could feel the coin bouncing with each step. She wore it under her dress, on a long delicate chain, together with her locker key. When she felt it against her skin, it would remind her of the woman. But after a few days had passed, she began to think that perhaps she was misremembering details. The woman’s face was starting to blur, much like the face of her mother whom she had not seen in eleven or twelve years. Perhaps her mother’s face was not as cruel as she remembered, and perhaps the woman’s face was not as perfect.

On a Tuesday exactly one week after she first laid eyes on her, Therese saw the woman again. This time she wore a cream colored coat, which she passed across the coat check counter to Therese. Again, Therese had been unable to speak. Her fingers touched the fabric that had once sat flush with the woman’s skin and it was all too much. The woman had not looked at Therese, but her face was still perfect, as was the outline of her body, under perfectly tailored clothing.

Over the following few weeks, the woman came into the picture house six times. Each time, Therese was struck by her beauty, and drawn towards her mystery. Other patrons would at least look at Therese. Many of them would smile, and chat. But even if the woman never spoke to her, Therese would never tire of watching her glide across the foyer. It was as if she were not of this world. As if she were in fact an angel, floating through, partially present, partially displaced. Each time she stepped to up to the ticket booth, it was as if she was surprised to find herself there. She was never prepared, always having to dig through her purse for loose coins.

During these weeks, Therese had been shooting photographs of people in the street for hours both before and after work. She was looking for the same thing that she sensed from the woman. Sometimes she would find a glimpse of it, in the eyes of someone else, but it was never quite the same.

About a month later, the woman had come in with company. She had been by herself every other time, but on this day, she was with a brown haired woman. Therese had guessed that the blonde woman was in her early 30s, and her friend looked a few years older. Therese had been ushering that evening, and had to force some words from her throat, to show the women to empty seats for _Roman Holiday_.

“Just… this way…” she had managed.

The woman did not look at Therese, but kept her eyes on her friend.

As Therese led them down the aisle, she turned and saw the woman placing her hand in the crook of the brunette’s elbow, like a lady often did with a man. Feeling a pang in her stomach, Therese’s cheeks flushed.

When Therese was ushering, she would usually leave the theatre for much of the film. This day, however, she stood at the back and watched the back of the woman’s head. She saw the woman turn to her friend, smiling and laughing along with the film, or whispering a few words close to her friend’s ear. Therese’s stomach flipped.

At the end of the evening, as they were cleaning up for close, Therese’s coworker Jeanette brought a pair of gloves out of the women’s restroom. Therese recognised them immediately. They were the brown leather gloves that the woman had been wearing the very first time Therese had seen her. How like the woman, Therese thought, to be thinking of something else, and leave the gloves behind. Just sitting on the counter by the sinks, Jeanette had said, as she placed them in the lost and found box, amongst hats and sunglasses.

When no one was watching, Therese took the gloves and placed them in her locker.


	4. Chapter 4

When the following Tuesday came around, Therese woke, knowing she would most likely see the woman today. Of the past eight Tuesdays, the woman had come into the picture house on seven. As she got ready for work, she was sure to take extra care in her appearance, which she often did these days.

They did not have a uniform as such, however the men wore black slacks and dark shirts. The women could wear skirts or dresses, so long as they were dark in colour. Therese usually wore black or navy, as did the other girls. On this day, she felt like wearing her emerald green collared blouse. She wore it tucked into a black skirt, with dark stockings and black shoes. She did not exactly meet the dress code, however the color was particularly flattering on her, and she felt it was the right choice.

Arriving at work, Therese pulled her necklace out from under her blouse and opened her locker. The brown leather gloves still sat neatly inside. Since they had been kept in her locker, Therese had been bringing a smaller purse. She did not want to damage the gloves with weight or scuffing, so she was always careful to place the small purse to the side, clear of them. She turned the key in the lock, and dropped the necklace back down her blouse, feeling the key and coin nestle between her breasts.

Therese pinned her name badge to her chest as she glanced at the schedule. She would usually check both her and Dannie, but today was Dannie’s day off, so she traced her finger along the row against just her own name, looking for today’s date: _Ticket booth_ – her favorite.

Now that she was more comfortable at her job, she would bring a paperback book into the ticket booth with her. She did not feel so nervous about being seen as lazy, and thought that it was more worthwhile to do something rather than let the time go to waste. Besides, Dannie was always reading the newspaper and doing crosswords.

Therese sat perched on the crimson stool, careful to not slouch or crease her blouse.

Her eyes darted around the street, waiting for the woman. Although she came almost every Tuesday, it was always at a different time of day. Sometimes she would see the afternoon session, as soon as Therese started her shift. Other times, she would see the very last of the evening.

Between taking money and handing out tickets, Therese fingered through an old tattered copy of _Little Women._ Unable to stay focused, she found herself having to read paragraphs or whole pages over and over, as she kept one eye on the book, and one eye on the street.

As it approached nine in the evening, and the last session, Therese started to think the woman was not coming today afterall. Most of the tickets sold, Therese glanced around at the clock on the wall of the ticket booth: 9:13. _Singin’ in the Rain_ would be starting about now, and the woman was not here. Ticket sales were to stop at 9:10 each evening.

Therese sat looking out on the street, jiggling her leg with impatience. Once the clock read 9:20, it was much too late, and Therese had to begin her end of day procedures. She hopped off the stool, and crouched at the shelf beneath the counter, to retrieve the ‘closed’ sign. As her fingers grasped around its metal, she felt the presence of someone at the counter.

“I’m not too late, am I?”

It was the woman. Therese stood, ‘closed’ sign in hand, to find her sorting through her purse, as she usually did.

“Oh, hi – no – it has probably started, but they will still let you in,” Therese answered. It was the first time the woman had said anything resembling a sentence to her, and the first time Therese had managed an audible reply.

The woman looked up from her purse, looked directly at Therese, and smiled. Therese felt her face grow hot, as the woman’s gray eyes lay upon her. It was only the briefest of moments – perhaps just one second – but Therese was left trying to hide her gasping for air.

“I’ve seen it before, so I don’t mind missing the start,” the woman continued unaffected, as if they spoke all the time. As if this was not an extraordinary moment.

Therese took the coins from across the counter, and reached for a ticket. Before handing it over, the gloves flashed into her mind.

“I have your gloves!” Therese blurted, perhaps a little too forcefully.

“I’m sorry?” the woman smiled, confused by Therese’s sudden outburst.

“Your gloves. You left them here a few days ago. In the restroom.”

“Huh. I suppose I did,” the woman seemed amused by Therese’s nervousness. “Shall I collect them from the lost and found at coat check?”

“Oh – um – no. I knew they were yours. So I took them – I have them – out the back,” Therese fumbled through her reply.

“Well then. How about you give me that ticket, so I am not too late for this film, and I’ll get my gloves after?” the woman gestured down at the ticket, still held in Therese’s sweating hand.

Therese silently slid the ticket across the counter, unable to muster any more intelligible sentences.

“Thank you, Therese,” the woman smiled, glancing down at the badge pinned to Therese’s chest. She pronounced it the French way – _Terez_ – everyone else said it _Tereese_. “See you after, then,” the woman’s eyes met Therese’s again, with a smirk.

She breezed away from the counter, floated through the foyer, and bypassed coat check. Therese watched the woman disappear behind the theatre door, coat slung neatly over forearm.


	5. Chapter 5

As people started to leave the theatre, Therese was not sure where to meet the woman. She had probably forgot, Therese thought. She stood awkwardly by the door, cold leather gloves in hand. She watched patrons file out of the theatre, heading across the foyer to collect coats and hats.

When the woman appeared in the doorway, Therese tried to stifle a beaming grin.

“There you are!” the woman smiled. Therese felt honored that the woman would smile at seeing her. That seeing her would cause any reaction at all.

“Yes. Here are your gloves,” Therese handed them over immediately.

“Oh! Thank you. I had noticed they were missing and I do quite fancy them.”

A few seconds of silence as the woman took the gloves and placed them neatly in her purse. She looked back up, her lips parted a little as if in surprise. Therese felt that in the next second the woman would ask, ‘why are you still standing there?’

The woman began to slowly move towards the exit, and Therese found herself following by her side, desperate to continue the encounter just a few moments longer.

“So how did you know they were mine?” the woman looked across at her.

“You were wearing them a few months ago, when I first started working here.”

“Oh?” the woman encouraged her to continue.

“I was in the ticket booth and I sold you a ticket for _Strangers on a Train_. You were wearing your fur coat, and you took the gloves off so that you could sort through your purse.”

Therese was embarrassed at the detail of her memory, but she could not stop herself. She would tell the woman everything if she asked, or perhaps even if she didn’t. She would tell her how she watched her each time she came in. How she could recite the names of every film the woman had seen in the past few months. About the coin that, in this very moment, sat against her pounding chest.

The woman pushed open the main door, and Therese was hit with the cold night air, as she followed out on to the street. The woman shrugged on her coat and turned to face Therese, who was hot in the face, but shivering.

“Are you finished here?” the woman asked, as she opened a metal cigarette case.

“I’m sorry?” Therese asked, watching the woman place a cigarette between her lips.

The woman gestured towards the picture house, then removed the unlit cigarette from her mouth. “With your shift. Are you finished for the night?”

“Oh, yes. Basically.”

“Would you like to get a drink?” the woman asked, and lighted her cigarette.

“Oh!” Therese could barely contain her excitement, as her heart leapt. “Yes! Well, I need to go back inside for a few minutes, to collect my things, but I don’t think you’ll wait for me, will you?”

The woman took a deep draw on her cigarette, removed it from her lips, and lifted her head, exhaling to the heavens. “I’ll wait, Therese.”

Therese burst through the doors and just about ran to her locker. She removed her purse, and grabbed her coat. As she walked briskly back through the foyer, she was deciding whether to tell someone she was leaving early, or try and just sneak away. She reached the main doors, and through the glass, saw the woman standing on the sidewalk, still smoking the same cigarette. Decision made, she pushed through the door, held her coat close, and walked briskly past the woman.

“Quick! Let’s get away. I’m not meant to leave yet,” Therese hurried to get away from visibility of the glass doors.

The woman jogged a few strides to catch up. “Well, I guess we best get this drink a few blocks away, then,” she smiled at Therese.

Therese thought she saw the woman wink at her, as she hailed a cab.

 

 

“It’s nice and quiet in here,” the woman said, as they shrugged off their coats inside the doors of the restaurant. The woman held her hand out to Therese, gesturing her to pass over her coat. She took both coats to the counter for checking.

Therese selected a table towards the back of the room. As she sat down, she thought about their coats hanging together in the cloakroom, probably on the same ticket.

The waiter came over to the table almost immediately, and Therese did not know what to order for herself or the woman. As her eyes darted over the drinks menu in a panic, the woman came to the table.

“Ma’am,” the waiter greeted her.

“I would love an old fashioned without sugar,” she breathed to the waiter as she took the seat across from Therese.

The waiter turned to Therese again. “I’ll… have the same,” she conceded.

The waiter had walked away, and Therese softly placed the drinks menu down on the table, and looked up to the woman.

“You’re a very pretty girl. And very sensitive, aren’t you?”

The compliment took Therese by surprise, and she was not sure how to feel about the analysis. She did not have an answer.

“What’s your name?” Therese asked.

“Carol.”

“Carol,” Therese repeated it.

“Do you like working at the picture house?” Carol asked her.

“Oh, it’s fine. It’s a job. There’s a lot to like about it, I suppose,” Therese shrugged. “You like films, don’t you? You see them so often. Do you live nearby?”

“Yes, I do like them. I like sitting alone in the darkness. I don’t live nearby, but I’m just often in the area,” Carol replied curtly. “Have you worked there long?”

The drinks arrived, and the women sipped at them. As the conversation continued, Therese felt able to run her eyes over Carol’s face as she listened to her replies, or formulated her own. Therese felt blessed that Carol would want to ask her things, and that she would listen intently to her replies. When Therese would ask something from Carol’s life, Carol replied curtly, giving little detail, and always asking Therese a question in return. Therese would tell Carol anything, as Carol sat across the table from her, chin resting on hand.

Therese found herself telling Carol about her photography, about Dannie and Phil, even about her mother and how it felt to be abandoned as a young girl.

“Do you live alone now?” Carol queried.

“Yes. Nearby to here, in fact. I thought about living in a boarding house, but I like the solitude, it’s worth the extra cost. Do you live in Manhattan?”

“No. Is there anyone special in your life, Therese?”

“A boyfriend? No. I’ve never really had any of those. Dannie kissed me once, when we were both drunk, after I had just moved to the city. I pushed him away, and we haven’t spoken about it since. I think he’s embarrassed about it. But no boyfriend, no. Are you… married?” Therese glanced down at Carol’s hand. She had never noticed a ring there.

Carol lighted a cigarette and breathed the smoke deep into her lungs. Therese wasn’t sure if she hadn’t heard the question, or if she purposefully avoided it. She didn’t dare ask it again.

“Do you smoke?” Carol asked, holding her cigarette in the hand propping up her chin.

“Yes, I’d love one,” Therese lied.

“This is my last one, I’m afraid, but we can share it,” Carol shrugged, as if what she suggested was no big deal.

Therese held her hand out across the table, and Carol fingers placed the cigarette between two of Therese’s own. As she did, their fingers brushed together, and Therese’s hand now buzzed as if with electricity.

Therese looked down at the cigarette, noticing the red lipstick marks on the filter. She brought it to her own lips, and pressed them down where the lipstick was. Therese inhaled, sucking in Carol’s air deep into her own lungs.


	6. Chapter 6

When Carol came to the picture house next, early on Friday afternoon, Therese was working in coat check.

“Hi there,” Carol smirked, leaning on the counter across from Therese.

“Can I take your coat, ma’am?” Therese tried to fake seriousness, but couldn’t stop herself from smiling.

With no other patrons in the foyer, Therese came around from behind the counter and gestured for Carol to turn around. Therese placed her hands on the neck of the taller woman’s coat. She let her thumbs brush softly against Carol’s arms, as she pulled the coat down. So softly that perhaps Carol would not even notice, but Therese certainly did.

“Oh, what lovely service!” Carol played along, turning back around to face Therese.

Therese folded the coat neatly over her arm, and returned to behind the counter. Retrieving a wooden coat hanger from the closet, Therese carefully hung up Carol’s coat. She leaned down on to the counter to write out the ticket. On the ticket, Therese would usually write the date, the film the patron is attending, and then a number, which would correspond with the slip she would give the customer. On Carol’s ticket, she merely wrote “Carol”. As if she would ever forget which coat belonged to Carol, she pinned the ticket to the inside of the coat’s lining, by the tag.

Therese returned to the counter, where Carol stood. It was clear that she had been carefully watching Therese’s every movement.

“What about my slip?” Carol asked, leaning down on the counter.

“Oh! You’d like one, would you?”

Therese leant down close to the ticket pad and carefully drew a heart. She tore it along the perforated line, folded it twice, and slid the paper across to Carol.

“Thank you, Therese.”

Carol gave Therese a wink, and she slipped the paper into the pocket on her chest.

 

 

When the film session finished, Therese was overwhelmed with returning hats and coats, checking ticket numbers, and farewelling patrons. She noticed Carol standing at the back of the crowd, watching Therese closely, with a cigarette in hand. Her eyes flickered over to Carol’s periodically, making Therese flustered with smiles. When the rest of the patrons had cleared out, Carol stepped up to the counter and Therese fetched her coat. She carefully removed the ticket, and handed the fur coat across to Carol.

“Thank you, darling. See you again soon.”

 

 

As they were leaving work later that evening, Therese told Dannie and Phil that she was going to go straight home. No drinks tonight. She felt like being alone, or at least not with them, so they parted ways at the doors. She wore her camera around her neck, and headed in the direction of her apartment.

Being a Friday night, the chilly city was alive with rowdy groups of friends, couples out on first dates, and others out on hundredths. Walking behind a young couple, Therese was able to inconspicuously capture a beautiful the silhouette of them walking hand in hand. She hung back and captured another, of them crossing the road away from her, the man’s arm around the woman.

She wondered what Carol thought of people who held hands. She had seen Carol put her hand on the arm of her friend, and she wondered if that was something she might do with Therese one day. Perhaps they would be walking to dinner, and it would be cold, so Carol would grab her arm and pull herself close as they walked. Or maybe Therese would give Carol a gift, which would make her particularly pleased, and Carol would grab her hand as she thanked her.

 

 

Later that night, when she was finally alone inside her apartment, bathed and in bed, Therese thought about Carol. She thought about Carol watching her from the back of the crowd today. As if it had a life of its own, Therese’s hand found its way up her bed shirt. The moments played over and over in her head, as her hand softly caressed her own breast. She thought about the first time she had seen Carol, and watched her come across the street towards her. Therese’s hand softly pinched her nipple. She thought about Carol winking at her today. Therese’s hand moved away from her breast, over her stomach and into her underwear. She thought about running her thumbs along Carol’s arms as she removed her coat. Therese’s fingers moved lower and found wetness. She thought about Carol sitting across the table from her, chin propped up by her hand, her lips smiling and laughing, and asking questions. She thought about placing her lips on the red lipstick of Carol’s cigarette, and breathing in. And now Therese couldn’t stop touching herself there, and she couldn’t stop the thoughts coming. She placed her other arm across her face, so that the crook of her elbow shielded her eyes. When it all became too much, she breathed “Carol”, as the fireworks came.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, the response here has been amazing. I cannot believe so many people love this and, tbh, I'm terrified of ruining it. I'm not very happy with the next few chapters, but if it were up to me, I'd just keep rewriting and rewriting forever and you'd never get another one. So I'm just biting the bullet. Here we go. Enjoy..

When Therese woke the next morning, she smelled her fingers. Embarrassed to find her own scent there, she got up to shower and scrubbed it away. She hardly ever touched herself like that. In fact, she could probably count the times on both hands, and of those times, she had only ever gasped and seen stars maybe twice before.

She was even more embarrassed to remember the thoughts that were running through her head the night before. Carol would be disgusted, Therese thought.

Today was Therese’s day off, but she had been mentioning to Phil that she wanted to learn more about the projectionist side of the business. Phil had offered to show her the basics if she felt like coming in on her day off. He had told her to wear comfortable clothes, as it involved a fair bit of bending and lifting, so Therese dressed in a pair of blue jeans. Although it was early December, the day felt unseasonably warm.

She developed the photos from the previous evening for a few hours, and then headed out at around lunchtime, stopping for soup and crackers at a nearby diner. When Therese arrived at work in the afternoon, she was keeping a careful eye out for Carol. She usually did, but today she did not want to see her. She did not want to face Carol after the thoughts of last night, but also she did not want Carol to see her in blue jeans. Carol would think them juvenile. Young people wore them, and Therese did not like to remind Carol of her age.

Darting quickly into the projection room, Therese found Phil. They spent the next few hours together, Phil showing her the basics – where the reels were kept, where spare parts were, what to do for changeover. Therese enjoyed being up above the theatre, watching the film and the people beneath. Phil said that since Therese liked it, he would mention it to their boss Mr Donohue, and perhaps they could make an arrangement for Therese to do some shifts assisting up there. It would really come in handy, Phil had said, as he was thinking about cutting back his hours to start studying eventually.

In the early evening, as she was crossing the foyer to leave, Carol walked through the doors towards her. Therese had nowhere to run.

“Look at you!” Carol gestured to Therese’s attire.

 “Oh. Yeah.” Therese mumbled, looking down at her jeans.

“What’s the matter?” Carol was quick to pick up Therese’s strange mood.

“Nothing,” Therese waved her hand to dismiss the memories of last night. “I’m just here to see Phil. It’s my day off. He was showing me the way around the projection room. I might start doing some shifts up there.”

“Congratulations!” Carol beamed. “Well, it’s a promotion, isn’t it?”

“Oh, I suppose so, yes,” Therese realised.

“We should celebrate! I just bought a ticket, but I suppose I could return it. Or do you have somewhere to be?”

Therese’s stomach flipped at the thought of spending time with Carol, and she tried to ignore it. She cursed herself, and willed her response to be casual.

“No, no plans. I’m not fussed,” she replied, shrugging.

They walked side by side out the main doors on to the street. Therese stood to the side, while Carol went up to the booth to return her ticket. Therese watched Carol be aloof with Jeanette, just as she had once been with herself. Carol probably didn’t even offer an excuse, Therese thought, but just mumbled something about changing her mind. Regardless, moments later, Carol had the sixty cents in hand.

“All done,” she said, walking up to Therese. Carol opened her purse, draped over one arm, and dropped the coins loose inside.

“No wonder you can never find any coins in that thing!” Therese laughed as they began walking.

Carol did not really know what Therese meant, but found it awfully funny too. They could not stop laughing as they walked for the next block.

“Where should we go?” Therese asked when they finally stopped.

“I want a drink,” Carol said. “I don’t feel like going out, though”

“We could go to your place?” Therese suggested. She had no idea where Carol lived, but she was sure it was nice.

“I live far,” Carol stated with no elaboration.

They were very close to her own, but Therese thought of the embarrassingly small apartment with its sparse furniture and twin bed.

“What about yours?” Carol waved her hand about, as if that were the only remaining option.

 

 

Entering the apartment, Therese’s eyes darted straight towards her bedroom. Was there any evidence of what she did there last night?

“Sorry. It’s small,” Therese apologised as they took off their coats and splayed them on a chair.

“It’s all you need. You’re little,” Carol smiled at Therese’s nervousness.

Therese started frantically tidying. She was not expecting guests when she left this afternoon. She certainly was not expecting Carol. She silently cursed herself, and promised she would be a tidier person from now on. She piled plates and glasses in the kitchen sink, and picked up dozens of scattered photographs, shoving them on the bookcase.

“Hey! I want to see those!” Carol yelled out, realising what Therese was putting away. “And would you quit tidying! Get us some drinks and come sit down.”

Therese found cold beers, and returned to the living area with two in hand. While she was out of the room, Carol had taken some photographs from the bookcase and was looking through them, placing them on the coffee table one by one.

“They’re… not very good. I don’t even have a decent camera. It’s just a hobby. I’ve never taken a class, and I don’t know – “

“I think they’re wonderful, Therese,” Carol interrupted her ramblings. “These are my favorites,” she held the two of the young couple from last night.

“Yes. I like those too,” Therese admitted, handing Carol a drink.

Carol placed the beer to the side, and was careful to put the photographs away neatly, before returning to the couch next to Therese. Therese sat up straight with her knees together, holding her drink, facing forward. Carol sat side ways, with one bent leg up on the couch, facing Therese, holding the beer on the headrest.

“I feel like I’m in college,” Carol smiled, sipping from her bottle. “Drinking beer, in an apartment like this, you in your blue jeans.”

“What were you like in college?” Therese asked, taking this rare opportunity to push for details.

“I was popular. A lot of it was just like this.” Carol gestured at the room around them.

“Did you have boyfriends?” Therese pushed further.

“Oh, yes. A few. Things were a little different back then, of course. Long courtships. But some things always stay the same. Nights like this, for example.”

Therese did not understand, but she knew that Carol was purposefully being vague.

“How about a record?” Carol changed the subject.

Therese took her beer over to the player and her small pile of records. Much like everything else, records were not something Therese could afford to splurge on. “What do you feel like listening to?” she asked over her shoulder.

“Surprise me!” Carol yelled out, as she headed for the kitchen, before returning with two more bottles.

Therese leant down to place the needle on the edge of the record, and when she stood, Carol reached from behind her and took the beer bottle from her hand.

“Hey! I’m still drinking that!” Therese exclaimed, turning around.

“Here,” Carol said, placing a fresh one in her hand.

As _Easy Living_ began, Therese watched Carol place Therese’s old bottle to her lips, right where her own lips had been. Carol tipped her head back and swigged the last of Therese’s beer.


	8. Chapter 8

Therese woke with the winter sun beaming directly on to her face. After much squinting and rubbing her eyes, she came to, realising she was asleep on the couch. Head pounding, she stumbled to the kitchen sink and filled a glass of water, downing it all in one breath. She filled it again, and stumbled into her bedroom. Carol was there, fast asleep.

Therese stood in the doorway, rubbing her eyes, trying to piece together last night. They had drinks – obviously too many – and listened to music. She remembered staying up late, talking with Carol. She couldn’t remember Carol deciding to stay the night. She would certainly remember a detail like that.

She looked down at Carol, who was sleeping on her stomach, head turned to the side, blonde hair spread all over Therese’s pillow. Blankets mostly covered her, but Therese could see the sleeve of one of her own bed shirts, on Carol’s arm. Her foot, with perfectly red toenails, hung over the side of the bed.

Therese crouched down, so that she was right by Carol’s face. She must have washed her face last night, as it was free of make up. Therese’s eyes moved to her lips, which were slightly parted. Carol always wore red lipstick, and it felt so intimate to see Carol’s lips bare, rested on her pillow.

It was Sunday morning, so Carol probably did not need to get to work early or anything. That is assuming she works, anyway. Therese crouched, watching Carol sleep, thinking about how little she knew about this woman.

“Mmmmm,” a deep moan came from the bed, startling Therese.

 “Hi,” Therese whispered.

“Water,” Carol croaked. She pushed herself up off the bed, so that she could drink the glass Therese offered, before slumping back down on her stomach, holding the glass out.

“I guess we drank a bit much last night,” Therese whispered.

“Mmmm,” Carol replied, face in Therese’s pillow.

“Do you… have to be anywhere?” Therese asked. She would let Carol stay in her bed forever, if she wanted.

Like flipping a switch, in an instant, Carol was out of bed, stepping over Therese. She was frantically sorting her clothes, now on Therese’s bedroom floor, periodically stopping to rub her face and eyes, presumably from the same headache that now throbbed behind Therese’s own forehead.

Therese could not stop her eyes from wandering down, where Carol’s legs were pantless. Therese’s long bed shirt covered much of her, but still, this was far more of Carol than she had ever seen, and had ever imagined to see. Her legs were milky white and smooth. Therese’s breath caught in her throat.

“I have to go, Therese. What time is it?” she asked with an armful of yesterday’s clothing.

“Um, it’s just past nine thirty. Do you have somewhere to be?”

“Yes, I definitely have somewhere I should be,” Carol said, practically spinning around the room, looking for more of her possessions.

“I’ll get you a towel. You should have a shower or a bath.” Therese stood and returned from the hallway closet with a towel.

 

 

While Therese waited for Carol to get out of the bathroom, she tidied the apartment and made coffee. She had a thermos she would give to Carol, or they could have a cup before she left. When Carol emerged from the bathroom, she somehow looked as perfect as usual. She had used Therese’s hair dryer, and her hair sat in their usually perfect waves. She wore yesterday’s clothes, but you would not know she had been drinking all night, and slept in a strange bed.

“Hi,” Therese smiled, as Carol walked out, carrying the bed shirt, which she had folded into a neat square. “I made coffee.”

“I really must go, Therese. I cannot stay.” She carefully placed the folded shirt on the kitchen table.

Therese poured some coffee into the thermos, and handed it to Carol.

“Here, take this,” she offered.

“You’re a darling,” Carol sighed, finally looking at her. “We’ll talk soon, okay?”

“I hope everything is okay, Carol.”

Therese walked Carol to the door, and just before she reached for the handle, Carol turned back to her.

“Nothing… happened last night… did it?” Carol asked, looking Therese direct in the eye, trying to communicate something beyond those words.

Again, Therese did not know quite what Carol meant.

“No? I don’t think so?” Therese offered, assuming that was the right answer.

“Goodbye, Therese.”

The door clicked closed, and Carol was gone.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

When Monday morning came around, Therese had finally slept off her hangover. After a quick breakfast, she headed out onto the streets of Manhattan. It was just a few weeks until Christmas, and Therese wanted to get some Christmas shopping done before work. She withdrew $40 from the bank. She was planning on buying a gift each for Dannie and Phil, and one for Carol. She had decided on a nice pen for Dannie, and a new hat for Phil, but she knew finding something for Carol would take time.

Dannie’s gift was easiest. She had spotted the pen in the glass cabinet at Frankenberg’s a few weeks earlier. The man at the counter gift wrapped it for her in a dark green paper with a gold ribbon. It cost $9 and she knew Dannie would love it.

She browsed the menswear at Frankenberg’s, but could not quite find the right hat for Phil. She browsed the books, the records, and women’s accessories, but nothing jumped out at her as perfect for Carol. After shopping for a few hours, she began heading towards the picture house. On the way, Therese spotted the perfect hat for Phil in the window of a gentleman’s store. Most men tended to wear grey or black hats. This one was a lovely navy color, and she knew it would go well with Phil’s blue eyes. $12 later, she now carried a hatbox wrapped in brown paper.

After walking a few blocks further, and running out of time to get to work, Therese entered a very expensive store that specialised in women’s purses. She could not afford one of the large ones for Carol, but when she spotted a row of lovely coin purses, Therese could not help but smile. Perfect, she thought. Just what Carol needs. Therese selected a beautifully gold one. It looked like a knight’s armor and sparkled magnificently in the light. It would go perfectly with Carol’s golden hair, and her purse full of loose coins. It was $22, which took Therese slightly over a budget, but it was worth it, as she handed over the remaining cash from the bank, and $3 extra. When asked if she wanted it gift wrapped, Therese had declined. She wanted to wrap this one herself.

All of the gifts would not fit in Therese’s locker, so she took her bags up to the projection room to meet Phil. She could just sit them to the side while she worked.

When Phil saw the gifts, his eyes lit up.

“Don’t even think about it, Phil,” Therese laughed, trying to shove the gifts out of sight.

 

 

Over the next two weeks, Therese did not see Carol at all. She had been doing more shifts in the projection room, so perhaps she had been coming in and they had just not seen each other. But Therese’s eyes always scanned the backs of the patrons’ heads as they watched each film, and Therese knew that even from this distance, in this darkness, she would recognise the silhouette of Carol’s head. She wished that she had Carol’s address, or even her phone number. She wanted to check that she was okay, and she needed to hear her voice again.

Sometimes Therese’s mind wandered to what she may do if she never saw Carol again. She felt as if she may do something violent, like throw herself in front of a subway train, or step from the edge of her apartment building. As her body fell to the ground, she would think of Carol, and then when the sudden stop came, and her skull cracked open, spilling its contents, Therese would hope that Carol would hear of her death, and that Carol would cry. Perhaps the picture house would put up some kind of notice, wishing Therese a peaceful rest, and Carol would notice it when she came in to see a film. Or perhaps there would be a short paragraph in the Times, about the young and independent New York woman, with so much of her life ahead, who threw herself from a rooftop. Carol would see it and know it meant Therese. In shock, she would drop the coffee cup held in her hand, and it would shatter on Carol’s kitchen floor, liquid spilling and spreading under cabinets and chairs.

When Therese became particularly lost in one of these thoughts, she would press her hand to her chest, feeling the coin’s breath beneath her clothes. It was only reminder that Carol was real.

 

 

Therese had been enjoying working with Phil. A lot of the time spent was just in silence, watching the films. In fact, Therese had probably seen more films in the past two weeks than she had in her whole life. Many were new films, but a lot of the films they played were classics that Therese had never seen, like _The Wizard of Oz_ , which she had taken a particular fancy in.

A few days before Christmas, she was at home on an evening off from work, when there was a knocking at her door and then the voice of Mrs Osbourne, her landlady, through the closed door “Phone call, Miss Belivet.”

Hardly anyone ever phoned Therese. In fact, she wasn’t sure if Phil and Dannie even had the number. Excited to discover the caller’s identity, she leapt up and out the door, finding the hallway phone receiver sitting off its cradle, the caller presumably waiting on the other end.

“Hello?”

“Therese.”

“Carol! Hi! It’s so lovely to hear from you,” Therese did not even try to contain her smile.

“Yes, I have not been able to come into the city much these past few weeks. I just wanted to call to quickly tell you Merry Christmas. I hope you don’t mind me calling, it was difficult to get your number.”

“I don’t mind at all! It’s a very nice surprise. Will you be coming into Manhattan at all before Christmas Day?” Therese thought of the little golden coin purse, which she had carefully wrapped in red paper.

“Listen,” Carol’s voice was now low, almost a whisper. Therese pressed the receiver closer to her ear. “I’m coming into the city for just an hour on Christmas Eve morning. I need to pick up a few last minute things. I won’t have much time.”

“Where? Where do I meet you?”

“Do you know Frankenberg’s? The department store? There is a diner just across the street. I’ll be there first thing. It will really only be a few minutes, Therese. I really cannot get away for long. But if you want to see me, I’ll be there.”

“I’ll see you then, Carol.”

The line went dead.


	10. Chapter 10

The day before Christmas Eve, on her way to work, Therese walked past the diner across the road from Frankenberg’s. Carol had said she would be there first thing the following day. Therese needed to find out what time the diner opened, so that she wouldn’t miss seeing Carol. The sign on the door read that they opened at 6am every morning, except Christmas Day.

That day, she worked in the ticket booth, and so when ticket sales for _White Christmas_ stopped at 9:10pm sharp, she made an excuse about feeling sick, and had gone home early.

She sat at the kitchen table, with a glass of milk, a blank Christmas card and pen. She had been avoiding writing this card for weeks, but now that she was seeing Carol tomorrow, she could avoid it no longer.

Therese thought of writing _I love you_ , _you are magnificent._ She even thought of writing how she had touched herself that night, and how she had again several nights and mornings since.

Instead, she wrote:

‘Dearest Carol,

Thank you for coming into my life. You are very dear to me.

Merry Christmas.

With Love,

Therese.’

She looked at the card, biting down on the pen, thinking of other things she could have written, and how she suddenly hated the shapes of her letters.

She carefully placed the card into a red envelope, and wrote Carol’s name on its front.

 

 

In the morning, Therese’s alarm went off at 4:45am. She wanted to be at the diner before it opened, just in case. Showered, hair brushed, and make up done, Therese bolted out the door at 5:30 in her most festive red dress and green hat. Somehow, in her rush, she had forgotten to grab a coat, and so she moved briskly to keep herself warm as she walked along the icy sidewalk. She was at the door to the diner at 5:50am.

No one else was foolish enough to be out at this hour, and the waitress opened the door early for Therese, after seeing her shivering coatless at the door.

“Get in here, you fool!” the waitress had exclaimed. “Are you mad?”

When Therese felt the warmth of the diner, she thanked the waitress endlessly. She settled at a booth by the window, but also by the open fireplace, so that she could stay warm and keep an eye on the street. She set Carol’s gift and card on the table.

Once they had opened for business, the waitress came over to Therese, the only customer.

“What’d you like, hun?”

“Oh, I’m meeting someone,” Therese gestured at the gift. “Just coffee for now, thanks.”

Therese sipped on coffee for hours, and the waitress came by for top ups. She watched people coming and going, drinking coffee and eating breakfast. After the waitress had kept asking, Therese had ordered some buttered toast, just so she would stop.

At 8:52am, Carol walked through the door of the diner, and Therese leapt from her seat, waving her over.

“Therese,” Carol smiled, looking at her as if they were old friends who had not seen each other in a very long time.

Carol sat across the booth, and as she looked around for the waitress, Therese slid her own coffee across towards her.

“I’ve had about six cups, so you should have this one,” Therese laughed.

“I really only have a few minutes, Therese, I’m sorry.”

“It’s lovely to see you. Even if it’s only brief.” Therese wanted to ask Carol where she had been and what she had to get back to, but she knew her pressing would only make Carol angry, and she did not want to waste this precious time. She pushed the gift across the table, “Merry Christmas, Carol.”

“Oh!” Carol exclaimed, bringing her hands to her mouth, as if she hadn’t noticed the gift sitting there all along. “Oh, Therese. I don’t have anything for you. You really shouldn’t have.”

“I don’t mind. I wanted to get you something. Open it!”

Therese watched Carol’s fingers caress the wrapping as she carefully peeled it back.

When the gold coin purse sat in Carol’s hands, it sparkled in the sunlight coming through the window.

“It’s beautiful, Therese. Thank you so much.”

“The first time I saw you, you were rummaging through your purse, looking for coins,” Therese admitted, as if her memories were an embarrassment.

“Oh?” Carol smiled, encouraging her to continue.

“In fact, you’re always doing that, you know? You step up to that ticket booth so unprepared, and you take so long sorting through that purse looking for coins.”

“I like that you noticed me, Therese,” Carol smiled, stroking the gold with her fingers, looking across the table at Therese.

“You’re magnificent,” Therese whispered. It slipped out. She hadn’t meant to say it. Therese saw a physical reaction from Carol, as their eyes remained locked across the table. Both of their chests heaved with pounding hearts and gasping breaths.

“I have to go,” Carol whispered, breaking the spell. “I’m sorry. I have some time after Christmas. I’ll call you. Merry Christmas, Therese.”


	11. Chapter 11

Christmas had come and gone. Therese had spent it with Dannie and Phil’s family. Admittedly, she did not have anywhere else to go, but the McElroys made her feel welcome. They had even given her a gift – a crimson sweater, knitted by Mrs McElroy. When she was handed the wrapped parcel, Therese was grateful that she had thought to bring a bunch of flowers, although that certainly did not compare to this gift that would have taken weeks or months to make. Dannie had loved his pen, and Phil wore his hat all evening, despite the house rule forbidding it.

The picture house was closed for a few days, until New Year’s Eve, and so Therese spent her days and evenings as she wished, often listening to records or reading _1984_ , which Phil had gifted her for Christmas. She had gone out and taken photographs of festive decorations around the city, and children playing with new kites and bikes in the street.

On the morning of the 30th, Carol phoned Therese again. Carol had no plans the following evening for New Year’s Eve, and asked Therese of hers. Therese was working, she said. It was her first shift alone in the projection room. She would finish at about 11pm, and then had no plans after that. Carol was disappointed, as she wanted to spend the night in the city, and was counting on seeing Therese, she had said.

Towards the end of the conversation, Therese told her, “If you truly have no other plans, why not come see the last film of the evening, and we’ll get a drink after that?”

When Therese told her that they were showing _It’s a Wonderful Life,_ Carol had gasped, telling her that it is one of her absolute favorites.

“Well that’s that,” she had said. “See you tomorrow night, Therese.”

 

 

Therese’s first shift as a lone projectionist had been going perfectly. Not a problem all day. As the screening of the final film of the day approached, she tidied the projection room ready for Phil’s return the next day. She had everything set up ready for _It’s a Wonderful Life_ , so that when it finished, she could pack up quickly and be on her way with Carol, to enjoy what was left of the evening, and the year.

Patrons began to file in to the theatre for the film, and Therese immediately recognised Carol in the low light. From up above, Therese watched her take a seat five rows from the front, on the aisle. Therese found her feet carrying her out of the projection room, down a staircase, to the hidden door into the theatre, right by Carol’s seat.

Quickly and quietly, she opened the door and closed it behind her. She snuck down the aisle. “Come with me,” she whispered.

Carol was startled, but without question, followed Therese until they both stood in the room above the theatre.

“Well, here it is,” Therese was careful to keep her voice down.

“Oh my, it’s lovely,” Carol whispered, but she was looking at Therese, not the room.

After starting the first reel, with the courage of the darkness, Therese stepped up behind Carol and wrapped her arms around her waist. She had heard a sound of surprise escape Carol’s lips, and then Carol had placed her hands upon Therese’s arms, holding them there. They stood, Carol watching out over the theatre, her thumbs tracing tiny circles on the skin of Therese’s forearms. Therese rested her cheek on Carol’s back, eyes closed, feeling her arms rise and fall with each of Carol’s breaths.

After a few minutes, Carol had grabbed Therese’s hand and whispered, “Let’s sit.”

They sat on two wooden chairs right by the viewing glass.

“Have you ever seen a film from the projection room?” Therese whispered.

“No! Of course not. This is a first!”

Therese beamed; she was proud to show Carol something new.

Throughout the film, Therese would watch Carol’s face in the darkness, her eyes illuminated by the screen. She saw an innocence and wonder in her, as she was glued to the screen, sometimes with a smile on her lips, other times with tears in her eyes. Everything the characters felt, Therese could see Carol felt it too.

They shared a cigarette, passing it in the darkness. It was so dark, that a few times Carol had grabbed Therese’s hand, instead of taking the cigarette from her fingers.

“I can’t see a damn thing!” she had whispered, grasping Therese’s hand between two of her own, seeking out the cigarette.

When the film had finished, Therese packed away the reels as Carol watched. The projection room lights were still off, and so the only illumination came from the white of the projection screen.

“Therese?” Carol whispered.

“You don’t have to whisper anymore,” Therese laughed.

“Can I come back up here again?” Carol asked, her voice still low.

“Of course! We have to be careful though. I could get in a lot of trouble.”

“I like watching you work.”

In the low light of the projection room, Carol’s eyes sparkled.

“Can I kiss you?” Therese whispered. Therese saw a flicker of surprise flash across Carol’s face.

“No,” Carol answered, calmly. Then after a few seconds, “Come on, let’s go.”

As they walked through the crowded streets of Manhattan, Therese felt Carol place her hand in the crook of her elbow. Therese was in heaven.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter that I've written so far, so it will probably be a few days before the next one. Thanks for all your comments, they make me feel very special!


	12. Chapter 12

Being New Year’s Eve, New York’s streets were overcrowded, and as they walked, Carol held herself close to Therese. They had ducked into a few restaurants and hotels, finding them full. “Standing room only,” they were told at the door.

With midnight approaching, Carol decided that they would just stand at the bar of the very next place they saw. “We’ll be wandering the streets all night, otherwise,” she had said.

Therese did not say that she would not mind that, so long as Carol kept her hand on her arm.

They entered the next establishment, checked their coats together – on the one ticket – and made their way to the bar. They ordered martinis. The bar was crowded, and so they stood close. Therese sipped her drink, the warmth of the alcohol slipping down her throat, spreading through her insides.

“I thought I might not see you again,” she told Carol.

Carol had furrowed her brow and sighed. “Let’s not talk about that, Therese. We’re here now, together.”

Carol asked her for updates about work, her photography, and about Dannie and Phil. The banality of the conversation frustrated Therese. She wanted to talk about the big things. She wanted to tell Carol she loved her, and that she knew it from the moment she saw her, months earlier, crossing the street. She wanted to tell Carol how she had silently begged for Carol to speak, or merely look at her. How when she saw took the gloves, she was not sure whether she would return them, or just take them home and keep them under her pillow. She wanted to tell Carol that she had never felt like this before, and that she did not understand it, but did not care. That she supposed that this was how she was meant to feel for a man, but that she felt it instead for Carol, and only Carol, and she could not hold it in a moment longer.

At five minutes to midnight, two men had come up next to them and bought them fresh martinis. Therese assumed that the one speaking to Carol wished to kiss her at midnight, as was tradition. His friend talked to the side of Therese’s face, while she glared at Carol and her suitor a few feet away. After several questions went unanswered, the younger man left Therese, his eyes scanning the room for his next victim.

At one minute to midnight, Carol returned to Therese’s side. She asked Carol about the man. “Oh, he’s just a little drunk,” Carol shrugged. “He asked me to kiss him at midnight! I told him that I am here with a very dear friend, and that if I’m going to kiss anyone at midnight, it will be her.” As she said those last words, she moved her hip to nudge Therese, whose heart skipped a beat.

When the people around them started to count down, Therese’s heart was in her throat. Carol had been joking, Therese knew, but the memory of her words had Therese standing there, mouth agape, drink in hand, unable to stop her eyes from darting to Carol’s lips.

And then everyone was cheering, and Carol’s face was slowly moving towards her own. Carol’s hand was holding Therese’s neck and cheek. Her face was so close now, and Therese could feel the tickle of Carol’s breath. And then softness as Carol’s lips pressed to her cheek, right by her very own lips. It had come and gone before Therese could react, or even fully appreciate it. Carol’s lips had moved away, and her fingers had traced softly down Therese’s neck, before retreating.

“Happy New Year, Therese,” Carol said, with a wink.

Therese had so much to say, but when she opened her lips, no sound escaped.

 

 

When they made it through the door of Therese’s apartment, they tossed aside coats, stepped out of shoes, and dumped purses on the ground.

“Go get ready for bed. I’ll make us a drink,” Carol said.

 

 

When Therese emerged from the bathroom, she found Carol on her bed, propped up on one elbow, drink in hand. The sight of Carol there suddenly paralysed her, and she found herself frozen in the doorway.

“Cute jammies,” Carol raised one eyebrow, as she took a sip of rye.

She held the glass out for Therese to take.

Therese tentatively stepped towards her. She wanted to run and jump into Carol’s arms. She wanted to throw the drink out of her hand, and kiss her lips. Instead, she took the glass, and drank from it, standing cold and awkward by the bed. Therese’s face grew hot at the thought of curling up with Carol in the bed.

“I’ll sleep out there,” Therese gestured towards the living room.

“Don’t be silly, Therese.”

 

 

When Carol was washed and dressed in pyjamas she had packed in her purse, Therese was laying down on the bed, flat on her back, staring at the ceiling, her head on the very edge of the pillow. She did not dare glance over to Carol, as she turned off the lights, pulled back the covers, and climbed into bed next to Therese. Therese felt Carol’s cold foot touch her own, and while she knew it was cold, it felt like fire, and her stomach flipped.

Carol turned onto her side, facing away from Therese. And then she reached behind her, grabbed Therese’s hand, and pulled it, rolling Therese towards her. All the length of their bodies touched, Therese’s arm holding her close, and Carol holding Therese’s hand there. The entire front of Therese’s body buzzed, as if Carol were giving off thousands of tiny electric shocks. She held herself tense, unsure what to do next, and she could feel the tension in the body against her too.

Therese began to run her thumb in small movements along Carol’s hand, and she pulled herself forward, her face now nestled in the space just behind Carol’s ear, her nose and lips only millimetres from the skin there. Carol’s hair tickled her face, and she wanted so desperately to deeply breathe her in, but her breaths came short and shallow instead. She edged closer, until the tip of her nose brushed against Carol’s skin.

“Carol, I love you,” she whispered into Carol’s skin.

Therese felt Carol’s body tense further, and her chest stopped rising and falling, as Carol held her breath. It was as if those words, whispered direct on to Carol’s skin, were now amplified and echoing in an amphitheatre.

And then after a few moments Carol turned, and her hand held Therese’s face, like it had in the bar at midnight. In the darkness, Therese could see the shadow of Carol’s face move towards her own. And then her lips were upon her lips. Carol kissed her softly, and Therese trembled at how gentle it was. A shiver ran through Therese’s body, as Carol slowly moved on top of her.

Under the weight of Carol’s body, Therese found her arms and hands trying to pull her even closer. Therese felt Carol’s tongue upon her bottom lip, willing her mouth to open. And then Therese opened her mouth, and Carol’s tongue pushed inside, caressing her own. When Carol pulled their lips apart and they gasped for air, Therese sucked in that air, deep from Carol’s lungs, and she could feel it rush into her own lungs, and enter her blood stream, each pound of her heart pumping Carol to every cell in her body.

And then Carol’s lips were upon the heartbeat on her neck, as fingers fumbled to undo pyjama buttons. Cold air hit Therese’s chest, and Therese glanced down in the darkness, trying to see the outline of her own body through Carol’s eyes. Carol’s hand ran up her stomach, softly brushing the underside of one breast, as her lips found the nipple of the other. Carol’s warm mouth sat over it, and as her tongue ran over Therese’s nipple, a moan escaped her lips.

Therese could almost hear the beat of the drum between her legs, and as Carol’s lips traced down her body, she found her own hand wandering into the wetness there. She felt Carol pause when she noticed that she was touching herself, and then a hand was upon Therese’s wrist, gently removing it from the waistband of her underwear.

Therese felt Carol tugging at her shorts, and as Therese lifted herself off the bed, she pulled down the remainder of her clothing. She now felt lips on her thigh, and she was beyond desperate for Carol’s fingers to touch her. The kisses to her thighs were long, and Therese could feel Carol’s tongue against the skin so close to where she touched herself. When her own hand moved between her legs a second time, Carol moved her away again.

“Touch me, then,” Therese breathed. 

But then she felt soft warmth against her, and she realised that Carol was kissing her there. Carol’s tongue moved soft and flat, along her fold, licking upwards once, and then twice. And then Therese started to move her hips up to Carol’s mouth. They began to move together, licking and lifting, and by just the sixth swipe of Carol’s tongue, Therese was a flash of lightning, thunder rumbling from her throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Therese didn't last very long, lol. But who would under those circumstances…


	13. Chapter 13

Therese had never thought about what it would be like, to have someone’s mouth and tongue upon her there. When she told Carol that the next morning, Carol had laughed. She had been told about sex, but only the basics – logistics, and consequences. As she made toast and coffee, she felt new, as if womanhood had crept upon her in the night. She asked Carol dozens of questions – _Was it always like that? When was the first time someone did that to Carol? Had Carol done that to someone before? What else do women do in bed together? Do men do it? How had Carol first learnt about it?_ Carol, of course, had dismissed half of the questions, and barely answered the others.

When Therese arrived at work that afternoon, Dannie had told her she looked fresh, as if her skin had a glow. It must be all that sleep she got, he said, since she had not been out all night with him and Phil. Therese had merely smiled and nodded.

She spent the evening at the coat check counter. As she took the coats from men and women, she wondered if they ever felt the way she did last night, and the way she felt about Carol now. She wondered what they did in bed, and how often they did it. It could not possibly always be as good as her and Carol, or else no one would leave their beds. No one in stores or diners, or picture houses, and there would be no one to deliver milk, or bake bread. If they lived together, as married men and women did, Therese wondered how anything would ever get done.

That morning, when Carol went to leave, she had to practically pry Therese’s fingers from her hand. Therese had been hanging on to her all morning, Carol said, and she simply had to go home. As much as she’d like to stay, she had kindly added, placing a chaste kiss to Therese’s lips. When she finally made it to the door, Carol told her that she would call her soon, and would try to make it into the picture house in a few days time.

 

 

In the following days, Therese would leave for work at the very last minute, and come home straight after, skipping drinks with Dannie and Phil. She kept records playing low, ensuring she would hear the hallway phone ring, and a few times had lifted the handset, to check for the dial tone. All day, her stomach was aflutter with memories of Carol in her bed, and her stomach would leap at just simply the idea that Carol had wanted to be there.

When Carol finally phoned, Therese had heard the ringing as she fumbled with her key at the building’s front door. She had run up the stairs and snatched the handset from its cradle.

“Hello?”

“Therese? It’s me,” Carol said.

“Carol. Is everything okay?” Therese asked.

“Of course, why wouldn’t it be? I told you I’d call and I am, aren’t I?”

“Yes. I’m just checking, I suppose.”

Carol asked her about work, and if she was well. She asked Therese what she was wearing, and whether her stockings were silk or wool.

“I miss you, Carol,” Therese breathed, her lips against the handset.

“I’ll come see you tomorrow?” Carol asked. “In the early evening, I’ll come to the picture house.”

Therese told her to sit right by the hidden door in the theatre, and that she would come down from the projection room to collect her if she could. If she couldn’t, she would make sure to see her in the foyer after the film, so they would have a few minutes either way.

 

 

Therese stood right at the viewing glass all day, eyes carefully analysing the tops of heads. When Carol came in for the 6:00 session, Therese had made her way down the stairs before Carol had even taken her seat.

“Carol!” she whispered through the crack of the door.

Therese took Carol’s hand and led her up the stairs, until they were in the dark room above the theatre. As soon as the door was closed, Therese pressed her lips against Carol’s. She placed kisses along the underside of Carol’s jaw, and felt a moan in Carol’s throat, as she kissed down her neck. Breathing hard, Therese’s hands worked at hastily untucking Carol’s blouse from her skirt, and her fingers found the skin on Carol’s back.

“Wait, wait, wait. Someone’s keen,” Carol laughed, gently pushing Therese to arm’s length. “You need to start the film, or someone will come up here and check you haven’t died.”

Therese started the first reel, several minutes late, while Carol sat on one of the two wooden chairs by the viewing glass. When Therese was finished, she hitched her skirt high, and lifted her leg over Carol, sitting on her lap, facing her.

“Hi,” Therese whispered, taking a near finished lighted cigarette from Carol’s hand, and placing it between her own lips with a smirk.

She inhaled the last of the smoke, exhaling it away from Carol, reaching over for the ash tray. Then she leaned in, delicately placing their lips together. Therese moved her tongue into Carol’s mouth, able to push it deep, with the leverage of being on top, and a moan travelled between them, Therese unsure whose throat had started it. Carol’s hand held the back of Therese’s head, pulling them closer together, and the other sat on her thigh. Therese was acutely tuned in to the gradual movement of Carol’s hand up her leg, which was bare, thanks to a laundry issue that morning. Therese found herself moving against Carol, lifting her body up and into her, searching for friction.

When Carol finally pulled her underwear to the side, she gasped into Therese’s mouth. “So wet,” Carol whispered.

“Do it with your mouth,” Therese breathed against Carol’s lips, as fingers stroked her there.

“Where on earth?” Carol laughed, gesturing to the dark room. “This will be just as good, I promise.”

Carol continued rubbing her, and Therese moved herself against Carol’s hand. And then Therese felt Carol’s finger move up inside her. She had never had something inside her there, and it did not feel particularly good. And then Carol gently pushed another finger inside, and Therese held her breath. Noticing her discomfort, Carol moved them slowly, stretching Therese gently.

“Carol…” Therese started, furrowing her brow, resting her face against Carol’s shoulder.

“Just wait. It will pass. It will feel good soon.”

And then as Carol continued to slowly move, it became a good pain, the stretch around Carol’s fingers. And Therese began to move herself against Carol again, in hard wide circles, pushing her body down to the hilt of Carol. It felt different than when fingers merely rubbed her, perhaps even better, but it was not building to an end the way that usually did.

Eventually Therese’s hips began to hurt from holding her legs so wide, and she had had to stop moving against Carol, and stand. Therese was frustrated at the lack of comfortable spots in the projection room, and Carol had laughed at her desperation. “We have plenty of time, darling,” she had said, brushing her thumb across Therese’s bottom lip.

Therese changed the film reel as they stretched their legs around the small dark room. When Therese had finished her work tasks, Carol came up close and began unbuttoning her blouse, starting from the top. She ran the tips of her fingers inside the edge of the fabric.

“What’s this?” Carol asked, removing the necklace from her blouse.

“That’s just my locker key,” Therese said. “And that is a coin you handed me the first time I saw you.”

Carol turned it over in her hand, as if analysing it, and Therese heard Carol’s breath catch in her throat and a small whimper escape her lips.

And then their bodies were together, against the wall, and Carol ripped the zip down from Therese’s skirt. Carol held herself so firmly against her, that as she lifted one of Therese’s legs over her hip, Therese could balance there, on one leg, wedged between Carol and the cold painted wall. Carol’s hand went straight between Therese’s legs, and she pushed two fingers inside her. This time, the stretch felt good straight away, and this time, the build did come. Carol’s hand and body moved hard and fast, as Therese clung to her.

When it became too much, she breathed, “I love you, Carol” against her cheek. And as she rode the wave, against Carol’s hand, she noticed the dampness on Carol’s cheek, and realised that one of them had been crying.

And although neither of them had watched a second of the film, the closing credits for _Rear Window_ began to play.


	14. Chapter 14

As she pulled on her underwear, in the low light, she noticed a small amount of blood between her legs.

“That’s normal,” Carol said. “The first few times, anyway.”

Carol was tucking in her blouse and tidying her clothing, preparing to leave, but Therese begged her to stay. Therese brought Carol’s hand to her lips, and placed them there, while looking into her eyes. “Please stay, Carol. I want to touch you.”

“I really must go,” Carol said.

They stood by the doorway for a few minutes, hands grasped together, caressing cheeks, and fingers brushing along lips.

“Therese, we need to talk,” Carol said.

“Come see me tomorrow.”

“I mean actually talk, Therese. Not this,” Carol gestured around the room.

“It’s my day off. Come to my apartment,” Therese said.

“Let’s have lunch instead. Can you meet me at midday at Ruby’s? It’s a quiet place on Greenwich Avenue.”

“Of course,” Therese said.

As Carol walked out the door, she turned back again. “Therese, I want you to think about what you want from this. And we’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

Therese placed a final kiss to Carol’s lips.

 

 

The next morning, New York was hidden under a foot of snow. Therese waded through it, wearing her heaviest coat and warmest dress, her thickest woollen stockings, and her most waterproof boots.

Carol was right – Ruby’s was a very quiet place. They did not even check your coats, the woman at the door told her. The restaurant was long and narrow, and Therese spotted Carol right away, the only person, sitting in the very back corner, by the fireplace. Carol spotted her too.

“What a terrible day,” Therese said, walking across the room, taking off her coat. “We should’ve met at my place. It is much warmer there, particularly in bed. Perhaps we’d even be lucky enough to get snowed in.”

Therese looked up at Carol, expecting to see her smiling, or perhaps giving her a wink. But Carol’s face was grayish and the whites of her eyes red. Therese sat across the booth from her, and reached to take Carol’s hand.

“My love, what’s wrong?”

Therese could feel Carol’s hand slightly trembling in her own. Her other hand – shaking – brought a cigarette to her lips.

“We need to sort this out,” Carol’s voice broke.

“What’s to sort, Carol? Is this anything to be ashamed of?”

“Yes. You know that, don’t you?”

A few moments of silence, and Carol reached for her cigarette case, offering it out to Therese.

“Can’t we just share that one?” Therese asked, gesturing to the cigarette in Carol’s hand.

Carol passed it across the table. Therese held it between her fingers and looked down at the filter. Carol’s bare lips had left it clean. She took a puff, and handed it back, and she saw Carol’s fingers resting on the red mark she had left. She looked across the table at the shivering pale-lipped woman, and she loved her now even more than she did when Carol looked her finest, or when she clung to her head as she licked between her legs.

“Pass me your coat,” Therese said, reaching across the table. She hung their cold damp coats together by the open fireplace. She stepped out of her boots, and set them on an angle to dry. “Your feet,” she said, crouching down by the end of the table. Carol silently held them out to her, and Therese gently pulled the boots off her silk stockinged feet. She placed Carol’s shoes alongside her own.

When the waiter came, Therese had ordered them both vegetable soups with crackers. When it arrived a few minutes later, they sat in their stockings and dresses, lapping at the warm soup. Underneath the table, Therese pressed her foot against Carol’s, and glanced up see her smile. She ran her stockinged toe along Carol’s ankle.

The waiter cleared their bowls away, and Therese ordered them tea, deciding that alcohol would do neither of them any good.

“Shall we talk, or are you too melancholic?” Therese asked when their tea arrived, as she lighted a new cigarette.

“You shouldn’t smoke so much,” Carol said.

“You told me to think about what I want, but I didn’t have to, because I’ve always known.”

“Tell me.”

“Even if you had never spoken to me, and I was just seeing you across the foyer a few times a week at work, you would still be all I’d think about, Carol. But now that I know what it’s like to be loved by you, I think I’d die without it. When I first laid eyes on you, I changed. But now I’m constantly changing and I cannot stop it. I want you. I want this. I want it all because I love you.”

“But you don’t even know me, Therese. How can you love me?”

The words hurt, and she saw Carol notice this.

“I never said that I’m a good person, Therese.”

“What is this about, Carol?”

She saw Carol take a deep breath, and then she said, “Darling, I’m married.”

A flash of shock and hurt panged deep inside Therese’s stomach. A few moments, and then, “Okay. Tell me everything,” she said calmly, leaning forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh oh, drama…


	15. Chapter 15

It hurt, but Therese asked it all. His name was Hargess, and he and Carol had been married since she was 23. Twelve years of marriage. They lived in New Jersey, but Carol came into Manhattan several times a week, to help her friend Abby in a furniture store, or for medical appointments. Harge worked in real estate investment, and would often travel out of state. On New Years Eve, for example, when Carol had spent the night at her’s, Harge was in Chicago, she had said.

Taking opportunity of Carol’s candour, she asked about the night she and Carol had drunk too much, and Carol had woken up in Therese’s bed.

“What happened when you got home that morning?”

“He thought I had been with Abby, and asked why I hadn’t called. I told him that I lost track of time and we had fallen asleep, working late on plans for the store. He was worried. He was off work around then, which is why I couldn’t see you for a while.”

“And Christmas Eve morning?”

“Harge had driven us in to the city, and I had gotten away briefly, under the guise of picking up his gift. I came into the diner to see you, and then had to run across to Frankenberg’s. I bought the first briefcase I saw, and ran back to where he was waiting.”

Carol spoke calmly and factually, but Therese could see that every detail was difficult, for both of them.

“I’m so sorry, Therese,” Carol placed her head in her hands. “An apology doesn’t cut it, I know. But I don’t know what else to say. I should have told you straight away. I could see how you felt, how could I not?”

“Yes. You should have told me.”

“You’re so young, and I’m afraid that I have hurt you irrevocably.“

“It has nothing to do with me being young.”

“I understand if you never want to see me again,” Carol mumbled through her hands, as if she were afraid of the words’ impact.

Therese’s fingers traced along the rough surface of a thick paper napkin. She ran its edge under her fingernail, hoping it would give her a paper cut there.

“Are you happy?” Therese asked.

Carol reached across the table to touch her hand.

Therese pulled her hand away. “Don’t.”

Carol had buried her face in her hands again, and they sat in silence for several minutes.

“What now?” Therese asked. “What does this mean for us?”

 

The snow felt even thicker now, and the shovelled stretches of sidewalk were iced over. Therese trudged along, in the direction of home. After a few blocks, when she was certain she could not make it a single step further, she had hailed a taxi to take her the rest of the way.

Grasped in Therese’s hand was a piece of paper, upon which Carol had carefully written her phone number. Therese had asked when it was safe to call, and Carol had told her to call any time, whenever she was ready.

She needed time, she had told Carol, to think it all through. In reality, Therese did not know what this exactly meant, and for the following weeks, she felt as if in a daze. She went to work when she was rostered, and stayed at home when she was not. She ate nothing but buttered toast and drank nothing other than tea. Her mind was full of only Carol, but it was an endless cycle of the same thoughts, and no real progress was made.

Part of her had known Carol was married, or at least that she must have been married at some point. It was not even this fact that really hurt her, but rather it was the way that Carol had revealed it, as if she had been lying to Therese all along. It felt cruel, which she knew Carol was not.

And even still, the hardest part of these days was not coming to terms with Carol’s cruel words and lies, but it was the fact that she missed Carol in a way that she had never missed anything before. As if a vital organ within her stomach had been ripped out, and she had been told to simply make do without it.

 

 

 

Therese had not seen Carol since that day months ago, and she assumed that she now frequented a different picture house in Manhattan. Perhaps there was a girl there whose breath caught in her throat at the sight of Carol, and perhaps Carol winked across the counter at her too.

When Therese was running errands, or on her way to work, she would find her eyes looking around the streets for Carol. She wanted to glimpse her again, but was terrified of it, too. Therese suspected that Carol would simply say ‘oh, hello’ and ask about work, as if she were just another acquaintance who fell out of contact for a while.

By the time the spring sun grew warm, Therese had grown accustomed to the pit in her stomach, and could sometimes go half a day without dwelling on its presence. The slip of paper with Carol’s phone number sat out of sight, pressed between the pages of _To Kill a Mockingbird_ , and the coin that once bounced against her heart, shoved to the back of a drawer.

 

 

On a Tuesday in May, Therese came home to a single envelope slid under her apartment door. On the front, there was no address, but just her name penned in beautiful cursive. It felt empty, but when she opened the white envelope, a tiny piece of paper floated to the floor. She picked it up, and found a heart drawn on the tiny slip. It was the love heart she had drawn months earlier, and passed to Carol in exchange for her coat.

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

Therese held the slip of paper in her hand, turning it over, examining its every surface. When she first picked it up, her heart had leapt against her will, and now, looking at it in her hand, she felt a flicker of anger. She was finally managing to recover from Carol in some way, and had become quite content with the numbness within herself now. 

She knew that she would see Carol again, and she wanted that, but when she did, she needed to be capable of harnessing her emotions and protecting herself. Her body had betrayed her, just seeing that tiny heart on the slip of paper, and Therese knew she wasn’t ready yet. She scrunched the paper, and tossed it into a living room drawer.

 

The following day, she and Dannie had taken a trip to Coney Island. Therese had bought a brand new lime green bathing suit, which felt very stylish. She and Dannie sat in their bathing suits on the sand, and Therese’s sunglass-covered eyes wandered to the people around her. Her eyes traced the shapes of women’s legs, and men’s arms. She noticed the curve of breasts, and found her eyes hovering there. She wondered if people thought that she and Dannie were a couple, and wondered if any of the girls would talk to her if she were alone. Perhaps one of the blondish women would compliment her bathing suit, and Therese would ask about the book in her hand. And then when they felt tired of the sun, Therese would ask if she felt like an ice cream. Therese would pay for two, and they would sit in the shade of a tree. This seemed like something she could do, but these thoughts did not give her butterflies. In fact, they made her feel nothing at all.

Sitting on the beach with not much else to do but talk, Therese expected Dannie to ask about the past few months. She had been so quiet and distant, and almost felt like an entirely different person now. But Dannie didn’t mention it, and Therese wondered if he had even noticed.

 

About a week later, Carol was waiting for her after work. Therese had stepped out of the main doors, and been saying goodbye to Jeanette when she noticed her. It was a very warm evening, and Carol was standing to the side by the ticket booth, wearing a checkered skirt, and matching blouse. She looked a little different, her hair not as perfectly set.

“Carol, hi.” Therese tried to hide her surprise.

“I’m sorry for turning up like this, Therese. I needed to see you, and I wasn’t sure you’d agree to if I called.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong, I just needed to see you. I hope that’s okay.” 

They stood for a few moments, silently. Therese thought about the envelope that Carol had slipped under her door.

“Do you think we could go for a drink?” Carol asked.

 

 

They went to a restaurant in the foyer of a hotel just a few doors down. It was late, and the kitchen was closed, so even though Therese was starved, they just ordered old fashioneds. 

“It’s nice of you to let me see you,” Carol held Therese’s eye contact across the table.

“Don’t say that.”

“How have you been? You seem older, and you look very fine.”

Therese felt her face start to become hot, and she took a big sip of her drink. “I’m well,” she said. “I’ve been working a lot, and been busy with my photography too. I even looked into some courses at NYU, but the tuition is too expensive, and I don’t think it will work out.”

“You would flourish, Therese. I think that is a great idea.”

“Yes, well, we will see what happens, but it does not look likely at this point.”

“How’s Dannie? And Phil?”

“They’re fine, Carol.” She wished that Carol would get to the point.

“I told Harge,” Carol said.

Therese’s heart skipped a beat. “About what?”

“That I want a divorce.”

“Did you tell him about me?”

“No, I didn’t mention you, because it has nothing to do with you.”

Therese looked down at her drink, and swirled the ice. She could feel Carol’s eyes upon her.

“That came across as cruel, and I didn’t intend that. I just mean I think I would have done it either way,” Carol said.

“What did he say?” Therese asked.

“I don’t think he was surprised,” Carol began. “We have had a lot of pressures, particularly in the past few years. Relationships change, and sometimes that means that they’ve run their course. I think he knew that. But he was upset.”

“So, what now then?” Therese asked.

“I have no idea. It will take a while to finalise, but I cannot see it becoming too complicated. I suppose we will sell the house, unless Harge wants to stay. And I’ll probably buy or rent in Manhattan.”

“You will stay out there until the house sells?”

“Oh, I suppose not. But there’s a lot to do, and I’m not sure how long it will all take.”

“I see.” Therese traced one finger along the edge of her glass.

“I hope that you will let me see you again, Therese. Keep seeing you, I mean.”

Therese took a small metal cigarette case out of her purse, and offered one to Carol. Therese leaned across the table and lighted it for her, their hands together as they held the flame steady. Therese selected a cigarette for herself, and just as she was about to light it, Carol said, “Why don’t we just share this one?”

They sat passing the cigarette between them until it was done. Carol asked Therese of her plans the following day, and she had none. Carol had asked if she wanted to come out to Jersey, and spend some time at the house. The thought of visiting the house scared Therese, but she had said yes. Carol had clocked the hesitation in Therese’s reply.

“Do you hate me, Therese?”

“No. How could I hate you?”


	17. Chapter 17

Carol came into Manhattan to collect Therese the following morning. Therese had been standing by the door buzzer, waiting for Carol to arrive. She would be in at 9, Carol had told her, and Therese stood there waiting since ten minutes to. When Therese finally heard the short buzz, at 8:58, she could not press the button quick enough, letting Carol into the building. She then stood by her apartment door, and put one ear against the cold painted wood. She could hear the soft sounds of Carol coming up the stairs. When she lightly knocked on the other side of the door, Therese held her hand on the lock, waiting a few seconds, to not seem so eager.

Carol floated through the doorway, placing her purse on a chair.

“Awfully hot today, isn’t it?”

“I’m ready now, if you want to leave straight away. I just need to close the windows.”

“Therese, I’ve been thinking,” Carol said. “You should bring some of your photographs with you, and we will put together a portfolio for you to send to NYU.”

“But I can’t afford it, even if I were to get in.”

“How about you apply, and if you get in, we’ll deal with that then?”

After a little light protesting from Therese, she packed some photographs, throwing stacks of them into a brown cardboard box, and locked up the apartment.

Carol’s car was a long green one. Therese did not know anything about cars, but she knew that this one suited Carol. Carol opened the passenger door for Therese, giving her a wink.

As Carol drove them across the city, they had the windows down, letting the summer breeze in. Therese let her eyes wander over Carol, able to get away with it, since Carol was watching the road. Her hands relaxed upon the wheel, as if commanding the car took no effort at all. Carol had glanced over to her a few times, a smile creeping on to her lips, seemingly pleased to see Therese’s eyes upon her.

By the time they hit the open road, Carol’s hair was wild in the wind. She had tried to tame it with one hand, before giving up with a laugh, and letting the wind have its way. Therese laughed too, watching the blonde waves all over Carol’s face.

A little ways later, and Carol pulled the car into a semicircular driveway in front of a big white house. It was a much grander home than Therese could ever remember being in, and suddenly she felt embarrassed at the memories of Carol coming to her small apartment, and even being forced to sleep in a tiny twin bed.

“Is Harge rich?” Therese suddenly asked, as Carol stopped the ignition.

Carol laughed a hearty laugh. “We both come from money, but Harge’s job is a good help.”

Carol led Therese to the front door, and Therese found herself staying back, scared of what she may find inside.

“Come on, slow poke,” Carol joked, holding the front door open for her.

Carrying her box of photographs, Therese stepped inside, into the large foyer. Carol seemed amused by Therese’s nervousness.

“Through here,” she said, leading Therese through to the front room. The room had very fine furniture – several upholstered chairs; a large case that covered one whole wall, full of finely bound books; an expensive-looking record player; and a long, low coffee table.

Carol gestured to the table, inviting Therese to place the box of photographs there. And then Carol took her on a tour of the house. The details bombarded Therese, and she knew she would not be able to find any of these rooms again, should she have to. They all looked the same – beautiful wallpaper, and the finest of furnishings. Being in these grand rooms made Therese nervous, and she wondered what Carol was doing with her. She suddenly felt very young and inexperienced, and unable to provide anything at all.

When they made it to the kitchen, Carol made tea, and selected some cookies from a glass jar. She mumbled something about having given the maid the day off, apologising for the poorly organised lunch. Therese had insisted on carrying the tray of tea and cookies for Carol, into the front room.

Carol slipped off her shoes, and sat on the floor, her back resting against the foot of a floral armchair. Sat there, she began to look through the box of photographs, pausing periodically to sip from the teacup.

Therese sat on another armchair, sipping her tea, watching Carol. This big grand house with its expensive furniture, and Carol chose to sit on the floor and look through her photographs.

“Put on a record,” Carol told Therese after a few silent minutes. “Then come help me with these.”

There were almost a hundred records to choose from, but she quickly selected one, and adjusted the volume to a quiet background level. Then Therese slipped off her own shoes, and gently poked Carol with her toe, gesturing for her to lean forward from the armchair. Therese swung her leg over Carol’s back and sat, and then placed her hand on Carol’s shoulder, encouraging her to lean back between her legs.

They sat like this for over an hour, Therese on the armchair, Carol on the floor, her shoulders between Therese’s knees. They sorted through the hundreds of photographs. Some only Therese liked, and some only Carol, but they mostly selected ones that they both agreed on.

When the cardboard box was almost empty, Therese placed her hand down on Carol’s shoulder, fingers tracing inside the neck of her blouse. Carol leaned into her touch, brushing her cheek and then her lips along the tops of Therese’s fingers. Therese ran her fingers up the back of Carol’s neck, and through her hair, and as Therese gently played with her hair, Carol leaned her head back against the armchair, and closed her eyes, leaving the photographs aside. Therese could see Carol’s chest rise and fall with jagged breaths, her lips sat just slightly apart. Therese leant forward, bending down, and placed a kiss to Carol’s forehead, right on the line where small and delicate baby hairs grew.

“I missed you, Therese,” Carol whispered, eyes still closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last few chapters, I've been pretty rushed, not much proof reading etc., whereas the first 10 I really took my time with. I feel like the quality has dropped. 
> 
> Would you guys prefer frequent chapters at their current quality, or would you like me to take longer, writing chapters more like the quality of the first ones?
> 
> So, short chapters like this most days to keep the story going, or one hopefully higher quality longer chapter per week?
> 
> I think I'm addicted to the comments, which is why I find myself updating most days, haha! 
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	18. Chapter 18

“I missed you, Therese,” Carol whispered, eyes still closed.

It felt as if Carol's words had been whispered directly into her ear. She felt a chill run down the back of her neck, a wave of goosebumps following down between her shoulder blades. She couldn't help but gasp, close her eyes, and drop her hands back into her lap.

She felt Carol's lips press on the skin of the inside of her thigh, and opened her eyes to find Carol, head laid back and to the side, kissing up her bare leg, to where Therese's shorts began. She closed her eyes again, and relaxed back in the armchair, letting go of all other senses, focusing on Carol's lips upon her there.

It was a familiar thing, to feel this way at Carol's touch, but it also felt different now.

Before she knew it, before she could even think about it, she heard the words from her lips, "Stop. Carol, stop."

Carol pulled her lips away, her back again turned to Therese. They sat in silence for a few minutes, and Therese felt her face grow warm with embarrassment.  

"Let's go sit outside," Therese finally said.

Carol gave Therese a spare pair of sunglasses, and they reclined on lounge chairs in the backyard. Neither of them spoke about what had happened inside. They mostly sat in silence, and at one point Therese looked across at Carol and thought she was asleep. Behind the tint of the sunglasses, Therese could see her eyes were closed. Carol had unbuttoned her blouse part of the way, to let the sun fall on her chest, and there, Therese could see the steady rise and fall of someone deep in slumber. Concerned at the sunkissed red of Carol’s skin, Therese had leaned over and carefully buttoned the blouse. She could feel Carol’s even breaths on her hands, as her fingers carefully worked at each button up to Carol’s neck.

The touch woke Carol, and she had opened her eyes with a smile to find Therese there.

“Sit over here, darling,” Carol said, making room for Therese on the lounge chair. Carol pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head, and grasped Therese's hands.

"I'm glad that you're here," Carol said. She brought one of Therese's hands to her lips, and pressed them there firmly. "And I'm sorry about before. We'll go slow."

Therese looked down at their fingers intertwined, unsure what to say. After a few moments, she changed the subject. "Are you hungry?" she asked.

"A little, but I'm quite content."

"You need to get out of the sun. I can see your skin becoming red. Come inside and I'll make something to eat," Therese said, standing.

"A little sun never hurt anybody," Carol said.

"No, but I like you as you are."

 

Inside, Therese busied herself in Carol's kitchen. She could tell that Carol did not spend much time in there - in fact, she suspected almost no time at all - but it was still intoxicating to be surrounded by her things. As she opened cupboards to find what she needed, Therese ran her fingertips across the cold surface of crockery, and along the lips of cups. She carefully dropped two eggs into boiling water, and watched the eggs bounce off each other in the bubbles. After a few minutes, she cracked their shells over the sink, and then mashed the eggs together with a fork. From two eggs, she made three sandwiches, cut them into rectangles, and placed them all together on the one plate.

With sandwiches and tea on a tray, Therese found Carol in the upstairs sitting room.

In this room, by the window, there was a table of framed photographs. While Carol sat in an armchair, eating sandwiches, Therese stood by the table, studying the photographs. Her eyes immediately fell on a wedding photograph. Carol looked almost exactly as she did now, but in a long white dress that splayed out on the floor at her feet, and her hand was resting on the arm of a man. The man's hair was dark and immaculate, as if were not actually hair at all, but perhaps rather stone. He was about the same height as Carol, and his cheeks were rosy with joy. Carol's lips sat in a smile, but you couldn't see her teeth.

"Don't look at that," Carol said.

"Why not?" Therese asked.

"Oh, it'll just make you blue."

Therese thought that it would too, and perhaps that it should, but she felt almost nothing. She admired it because it was of Carol, but when her eyes looked over the man beside her, she felt nothing.

Next to the wedding photograph was another of Carol. This time with the brown haired woman Therese had seen at the picture house. She knew straight away that this was Abby. Her mind flickered back to Carol and Abby walking down the aisle, and how Carol had placed her hand on Abby's arm.

"Is something happening between you and Abby?"

Carol laughed. "No, darling," she said. Then, after a beat, "Why? Would you be jealous?" to which Therese only smiled and blushed.

There were other photographs, but Carol wasn't in them. Therese thought she saw Carol's eyes on the face of an older woman. That must be Carol's mother, she thought. How funny that Carol would have a mother, and that she had been a child once. Therese looked over to Carol, and caught her eyes glance to the clock on the wall.

"Come have a sandwich," Carol said.

"I'm not hungry. I made them for you."

"Then just come sit with me," Carol patted the arm of her chair.

Therese perched herself there and Carol handed her the crusts of her sandwiches, which sat discarded on the tray. Therese obediently ate them.

“You’re an angel to let me see you again, do you know that?” Carol said. “You’re a better person than me, that’s certain.”

They sat there for a few moments longer, and then Carol glanced at the clock again. “Let’s go downstairs,” she said.

In the front room, Therese stacked the photographs back into the cardboard box, banding together the ones they had chosen.

“Should I go?” Therese asked. It was well past four in the afternoon.

“I’ll drive you in,” Carol said.

Before they left, Carol collected up all of the dishes they had used and washed them: two teacups, a teapot, a plate for the cookies, and a plate for the sandwiches. She handed the dripping cups and plates to Therese, who dried and put them away. It was a funny sight to see Carol, elbow-deep in soapy water. Therese doubted she did it often.

On the way home, Carol had told Therese to scoot along the bench seat, and so they sat with the whole length of their legs touching. Therese could feel Carol’s weight shifting, as she controlled the pedals at her feet. At one point, Therese placed her hand on Carol’s thigh, and at another point, Carol had grabbed Therese’s hand and placed it on the steering wheel, under her own. Therese had never felt closer to Carol, and she was struck with a feeling of luck and gratitude, that Carol wanted to spend time with her, and touch her, and make her feel loved.

When they parked in front of Therese’s building, Carol had insisted on walking her inside, and carrying the box of photographs.

Once inside, Carol had exclaimed that she hadn’t had a cigarette all day. And then she said, “Let’s have one.”

So Therese lighted one of the cigarettes that she now kept in her apartment and they stood on either side of the kitchen window, enjoying the light breeze of the late afternoon. They passed the cigarette between them, until it was finished, and then Carol stubbed it into the ashtray on the sill, and said “Well, I best be going,” but her feet didn’t move.

The women stood there by the window, looking at each other in silence. So much time passed that eventually Therese found it awfully funny and could not help but giggle.

“Can I kiss you?” Carol suddenly asked.

Therese answered by stepping toward Carol, and pressing their lips together. It was unhurried and gentle, and not intended to lead to anything else. It was kissing, just to kiss. 

 

 

 

The following day – a Wednesday – Therese was at work in the ticket booth. Carol came by, not to see a film, she had said, but rather just to see Therese. She said that she would try to see Therese every day. Or, at the very least call her, if that was okay. She asked Therese if she had mounted the photographs for the portfolio. Therese had done it that morning before work. Carol was pleased, and told her to post it right away. They spoke for only a few minutes, as Therese had to continue serving patrons as they queued, and Carol had an appointment anyway, she said.

On Thursday, Carol had promised to spend time at Abby’s furniture store, but at eight in the morning, she buzzed Therese’s door. She came upstairs and they shared a cup of coffee, Carol dressed impeccably with perfect hair, and Therese in her pajamas. “You’re cute,” Carol had told her, smiling across the kitchen table. Before leaving, she told Therese to phone her after work, and asked if she still had her number. “Yes, I have it,” Therese said.

So after work, Therese stood at the hallway phone, woolly socks on her feet, and phoned Carol. Carol had asked of her plans the following day. She was working, but was free the whole weekend, so perhaps they should do something on Saturday, and maybe Sunday too, Therese had told her. They could even go for a drive, and sleep somewhere different on Saturday night, if Carol liked. But Carol had said she couldn’t.

“But you don’t have to see him anymore, do you?”

“It’s complicated, Therese.”

Therese tried to hide her hurt, and then at the end of the conversation, Carol said, “Okay, let’s get away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your comments on the previous chapter. I intended on taking a few days to write a longer chapter and really take my time with it, to see how it went. But then I ended up getting busy with life, so it's not only late, but it's about the same as the other chapters. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it anyway.


	19. Chapter 19

These days, when she was expecting Carol, she didn’t bother to wait for knocks at the door. After she buzzed her through the main building door, she would open her apartment door and stand in the doorway, watching Carol ascend the stairs. Carol would usually spot her and say something like ‘hello, my love’, or ‘good morning, sleepyhead’ if Therese was still in her pajamas. This always made Therese smile, and that was exactly why she did it, Therese thought, because when she beamed, Carol did too.

On Friday morning, she was carrying a light brown suitcase. Carol gave her a wink when she spotted Therese standing in the doorway.

“It’s for you,” she said, bringing it inside and placing it on the couch, “for our trip.”

“It’s so handsome!” Therese said, running the palms of her hands over the leather. Her fingertips traced over the gold clasps, and on the top of the lock, she saw a tiny engraving – their initials, together: _TB & CA_. “Oh, Carol,” she said.

“Well, I packed some of my things inside. I figure it’s only one night and we don’t need two cases. I hope you don’t mind.”

Therese beamed. She didn’t mind at all.

“Where shall we go?”

“How about the beach? Do you feel like that?” Carol asked.

Therese thought of seeing Carol in a bathing suit.

Carol had been to Montauk before, and said that it was a nice drive – just a few hours from the city. They could be there by lunchtime. That would give them plenty of time to find a room, and spend a few hours at the beach, and they wouldn’t need to leave until late the following afternoon, if they wanted.

At Carol’s insistence, Therese sat at the kitchen table, while Carol prepared breakfast. “You should sit down,” Carol had said. “You have to work today, and I am more than capable of doing things for you.” But Carol had burnt the toast, and sworn about it. She used a knife to scrape the top layer off into the sink. “I’ll have these pieces,” she said.

When Carol had buttered enough toast for both of them, and made a pot of tea, she carried it down to the table.

Carol wasn’t much of a breakfast person, Therese knew, so she only ate a few bites of her toast, before lighting up a cigarette. Therese ate all of hers, and Carol asked if she wanted more. Therese had declined and held out her hand for the cigarette.

“How about a banana?” Carol said, gesturing to the bowl on the table. “I can’t burn that.”

“I’m fine,” Therese said, taking a draw of the cigarette.

“You shouldn’t smoke.”

“But you do,” Therese said.

“And you should eat more fruit. All I bring you is burnt toast and cigarettes.”

“Fine!” Therese said, grabbing a banana. “I’ll have one if you stop talking like that.”

 

While Carol was tidying after breakfast, Therese carried the suitcase to the bed, and undid its clasps. When she lifted the lid, she saw Carol’s things all pushed to the side. Since it was only half full, anything that was originally folded was now a mess from being moved about. So Therese dumped it all on the bed, and took her time, folding each item carefully. With a glance through the doorway to make sure Carol wasn’t near, she brought a few of them to her face, and breathed in deeply, holding them against her nose and mouth. When she held Carol’s black and white bathing suit in her hands, and folded her underwear, she felt her face grow hot.

By the time she had finished folding it all, and stacking it neatly, Carol wandered into the room. She lay down on the bed, with the suitcase. As Therese selected shorts and skirts and t-shirts and blouses from her closet and drawers, Carol would pitch in with particular requests (“the green one!”, “how about your checkered shorts?”).

When the suitcase was full, and she closed its clasps, she said to Carol earnestly, “I like our things in there together.” Carol just smiled from the bed.

Carol had walked her to work, but when they neared the doors and Therese went to reach for her hand, Carol murmured, “Don’t,” her eyes glancing around the street.

 

 

That night, Therese could barely sleep. She had gone to bed straight after work, and had seen every hour on the clock, until the alarm went off at eight. Her stomach felt all twisty and turny in anticipation of the weekend away with Carol, as if something was wriggling inside her there. She wondered if Carol would hold her hand on the drive. Maybe they would stop for a break, and Carol would scoot towards her, and kiss her, pushing her against the car door. And when they got to the beach, would they have twin beds or a double, and would Carol let her curl up beside her?

Carol would probably not pack any food, Therese thought, so she went down to a deli just across the street, and bought a few different meats and cheeses, and a loaf of sourdough.

But when she was slicing the bread, her mind had been wandering again, and she sliced through her finger instead. She dropped the knife on the bench, and grabbed her finger hard, trying to stop the blood. But it had kept coming, and as she walked across to the sink, a trail of red hit white tiles, splattering. She ran the tap, intending to flush out the wound, but when the water hit flesh, the flow gaped the wound, and it had made her queeze. She laid her head down on the bench by the sink, as her blood dripped into the sink and trickled down the drain. And then the buzzer had buzzed. And then it buzzed again, and again. She closed her eyes for a moment, and then there was loud pounding at the door. Coming to, she grabbed a towel just within reach, and held it firm against her hand, her eyes glancing over the kitchen – red, everywhere. The pounding on the door again, in time with the pounding beat in her hand.

She opened the door, and Carol came bursting in. And then the cold of a leather seat, and the sound of a car engine starting.

“Therese… Therese, darling…”

She was laying on the back seat of Carol’s car. Her hand wrapped in a blood red towel, and her head aflutter.

“Come on, Therese. Help me out here.”

But all she could manage was a cry.

“You’re fine. You just fainted from the blood. We’re at the hospital.”

Therese had managed to make her way into the building, relying heavily on the support of Carol. Carol had filled out all the forms, although she did have to ask Therese some of the questions. Three stitches later, Therese’s ring finger was wrapped in a bandage. She was told to not get it wet, and to come back in a week.

When they went to leave, Therese had to tell Carol that she didn’t have health insurance. So Carol had written a check, while Therese looked away in embarrassment.

As they walked out of the hospital doors, Carol told her how horrible it was to buzz all her neighbours until someone let her in, and then to pound on the apartment door, knowing in the pit of her stomach that something was wrong.

“It simply cannot happen again,” Carol said. “That’s it. You’re giving me a key to your apartment.”

 

 

When they got back to the apartment, it was past lunchtime.

“I’m so sorry, Carol,” Therese said. “About the trip.”

“Don’t be silly, Therese. It’s not your fault. Besides, I think you’re too unwell for work this week. Perhaps a mid-week trip to the beach will do you good.”


	20. Chapter 20

Tuesday morning, they finally got away. Carol had made the sandwiches this time, which sat in a basket on the back seat, along with cherries and coffee. Therese had told work about the incident, and that she wouldn’t be in for a week. She didn’t wanted to take so much time off, but Carol had insisted on it.

They had been on the road for about half an hour, when Therese asked Carol about the divorce.

“Oh, why talk of Harge?” Carol complained in a huff, waving one hand as if swatting a fly.

“When are you moving out?” Therese asked. But the more questions she asked, the more annoyed Carol got, and Therese had eventually just stopped and looked out the window instead.

“Therese?” Carol said, a few minutes further down the road.

“Mm?” Therese kept her eyes on the trees passing by, but Carol didn’t reply.

They sat in silence for another twenty minutes or so, and the only thing to keep Therese from crying was thinking of their suitcase in the trunk. Their clothes folded together, and their initials side by side carved on the lock. Carol so often said cruel things and it made her wonder if Carol even wanted to spend time with her at all. Sometimes it felt as if the nice things she said were so few and far between, that maybe Carol had simply not gotten around to telling her to leave. That she would at any moment, and she would turn the car around. And then Carol did pull the steering wheel, veering the car on to dirt by the road. This is it, Therese thought.

But then Carol said, “Let’s have some breakfast,” and turned off the ignition.

They carried the basket of food and a blanket past the trees lining the road, and found a spot several yards back, under the shade of a large oak tree. Carol laid out the blanket neatly, and then sat, patting the blanket beside her. But Therese wouldn’t sit.

“Carol?” Therese said. “Tell me how you feel.”

“My darling, always with the words. Can’t you feel it from what I do?” she held her hands open, gesturing at the picnic. “You’re just hungry and in a mood.”

Therese felt dismissed, and scalded like a child. She sat down on the very edge of the blanket. Carol peeled back the wax paper of a sandwich and passed it to Therese. She bit into it – roast beef, Swiss cheese and pickles. They sat mostly in silence, eating. Carol had interrupted the silence a few times, pointing out a bird, and naming its species, and asking Therese if she could see it. Oh, why talk of birds when there was so much of importance left unsaid? Therese wished they would fly and chirp somewhere else.

When they had finished eating, they lay spread out on the blanket. She looked over to Carol, whose eyes were closed.

“I love you, Carol,” she said.

“Do you?” Carol joked, opening one eye and squinting at her.

“Don’t tease!” Therese poked her. “Yes, I love you. Is it so bad to say?”

“No, it’s not bad and I hope you don’t stop saying it. We’re just different, is all, and I don’t think you realise it. You need things to be told to you, and you need to say them. But don’t you see that I love you? Don’t you feel it?”

Therese couldn’t help but feel a pang of annoyance at how casually Carol had said it, as if it meant nothing. But still, she had said it.

“I love you, Carol,” Therese said again.

“I love you, too.”

“Don’t say ‘too’.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want you to say it just because I said it.”

Carol laughed, “You’re cute… And very demanding.”

 

 

When they arrived into Montauk at lunchtime, Carol drove directly to the driveway of a beach house.

“Who lives here?” Therese asked.

“Us. For a few days, at least. Our little delay ended up being quite fortunate. I managed to call ahead and make a reservation for this whole house. Mid-week has its advantages. Better than a room in a motel.” Carol winked at her.

It was a small house, but it backed directly on to sand, and it was certainly more than they needed. Therese ran from room to room, while Carol laughed, carrying in their things. Two bedrooms – one with a double bed, one with two twin beds – a bathroom, a small kitchen and a living room with a television set. Therese had barely been able to hide her excitement at seeing the large brown box with the screen, and Carol had laughed harder still. The back door opened on to a large porch, and then steps that placed your toes right in the sand.

Straight away, they had taken off their shoes, grabbed their sunglasses and gone down to the beach. The sun was hot and bouncing off the sand. There were a few people around – mostly families – but as they walked up the beach, with the waves lapping at their feet, Carol had grabbed Therese’s hand, and Therese couldn’t stop smiling.

Although, they didn’t stay in the sun for long, as Therese didn’t like the colour it was giving to Carol’s neck and shoulders. Therese insisted that they spend the rest of the afternoon enjoying the beach from the shade of the porch. They sat side by side on lounge chairs. Carol read a book, while Therese watched her.

After a little while, she told Carol that she would be back soon, and she walked a little ways down the road until she came to a store. She bought steaks, a container of salad, and a bottle of champagne.

That evening, Therese tried to cook the steaks on the BBQ, but she struggled to grasp the tongs with her bandaged finger in the way. Carol had taken over. Then they ate outside on the porch. When Therese brought out the bottle of champagne and the two glasses, Carol’s eyes had lit up with surprise, and she had asked what she had done to deserve such a treat.

After dinner, they walked along the empty beach – champagne glasses in hand. The night was warm, and the moon was bright, and Carol’s arm was around Therese’s back. When their glasses were emptied, they sat down in the sand, their bottoms sinking in, and then Therese had jumped on top of Carol, kissing her, and pushing her backwards into the sand.

When they walked back towards the house, Therese had felt Carol’s hair full of sand and found it awfully funny.

“You’re giggly on champagne,” Carol told her. “And I need a shower.”

 

 

When Carol was in the shower, with the courage of a third glass, Therese had opened the door and stuck her head inside. The air was thick with steam.

“Carol?”

“Mmm?”

“Can I join you?”

“Of course,” Carol sounded surprised.

Therese stepped inside the steamy room, and peeled her clothes off quickly. As she stepped towards the shower curtain, her legs felt heavy, as if each step were an important one. And then she pulled back the curtain, and she saw all of Carol for the first time.


	21. Chapter 21

Therese’s eyes looked over Carol from head to toe, and back up again.

“Get in here,” Carol said, interrupting her gaze.

Therese stepped in, and put her mouth to Carol’s, hard. She pushed her tongue into Carol’s mouth, and Carol pushed hers back. The kiss was watery, and slippery, and Therese had to push deeper and harder to get to Carol’s taste. She ran her hands over Carol’s skin, and felt the water flowing over her breasts, as she cupped the warm skin, and traced her thumbs over light coloured nipples.

Therese felt Carol’s hands run up her back, and then down to her bottom, pulling her closer. Their bodies sat flush, and slippery, and they were desperate for friction. The relief was not happening like this, so through gasps between kisses, they decided to get out, and continue in the bedroom.

Carol turned off the shower, and they each stepped out, drying themselves quickly in the small bathroom. Carol’s hair had been washed, so she took a few minutes wringing it out, and shaking it with the towel, until it stopped dripping. Therese was amused at the sight, and how funny it was that just moments ago, they were grabbing at each other in the shower, and that in a few minutes time, they would be doing the same in bed. Drying themselves was such a trivial routine, and when Carol had pulled on a robe, Therese had giggled and told her, “Why bother?”

When they made it to the bedroom, Carol had reached for the light.

“Don’t. I want to see you,” Therese said. “Lay down on the bed.”

Carol lay there in her robe, which tied at her waist. Therese climbed on top, straddling her lap, pulled at the strap, and pushed open the robe. It felt like the first time again, only this time much closer. She ran her hand from Carol’s neck, over her chest, to her breasts. The skin was so clean and milky white, as if in the right light, Therese would be able to see her heart beating there. Cupping one breast, she leaned her head down, and kissed past Carol’s lips, and placed them on her neck. Carol had gasped, and stifled a laugh, and was squirmy underneath Therese’s touch.

“Ticklish,” Carol said.

Therese encouraged Carol to shift, and together they threw the robe on the floor. Then Therese ran her lips down from her neck, to her collarbone. Her touch there had made Carol inhale sharply, and wrap her arm around Therese’s neck, and when Therese brought her teeth to the skin, and bit over the bone, Carol gasped.

When her lips made it to Carol’s breast, she could feel Carol encouraging her lower. She was lifting her hips, and the hands on her shoulders were softly pushing her down. Carol wanted her, Therese knew. She wanted her mouth upon her down there, and Therese didn’t have the willpower to deny or tease it, so she moved herself there.

Therese expected her head to be swimmy, like it was when Carol touched her. But rather she felt like a sponge, absorbing every detail. In the low light of the room, she could see that even though Carol had just washed, there was a glistening between her legs. She brought her lips to Carol’s slit and pressed them there softly. When she pulled her mouth away, she felt a line of wetness from the tip of her nose, down to the middle of her chin. Then she dipped her head again, and this time, pushed her tongue through Carol’s lips down there, and ran it through, feeling her ridges and folds. The nectar spread over her tongue, and through her mouth. It was slightly salty, and slightly sweet. It was nothing she had ever tasted before. A little like the smell of coins, or maybe like salty juice. She looked up, and the look on Carol’s face was like she half expected Therese to change her mind.

“I love you,” Therese said, in reply.

“Show me,” Carol breathed.

Therese’s stomach flipped, and she quickly put her mouth to Carol again, and this time, she ran her tongue up and down, breathing heavy through her nose, nestled in the short dark blonde hair. She ran her tongue all over, tracing each fold carefully. She felt as if she could draw a map just from how it felt with the tip, and the body of her tongue, as she explored it over and over. On the map, she could mark the spots that made Carol tense her bottom, or lift her hips. She ventured lower, and when she found the right spot, with all her might, Therese pushed her tongue up inside Carol.

“Jesus Christ,” Carol said, and then Therese felt both of Carol’s hands on the back of her head.

Carol began to move against her, and pull her closer, and Therese did not need to do much other than let her use her tongue. And then Carol moved her head away from the opening, back up to the folds, and Therese could feel the build, as if it existed not within Carol, but between them.

“Fingers,” Carol breathed, and while Therese ran her tongue up and down, she pushed two fingers inside.

Carol gasped and swore, as Therese held her breath and moved her hand and tongue in unison. Carol was moving so hard against her now, that Therese was not sure how much longer they could last. But somehow, they kept going, and going, and then Carol pulsed around her fingers, and they tumbled together over the cliff, their bodies shattering like glass on impact. As they both gasped for air, Therese wasn’t sure which shattered piece belonged to her, or to Carol. It was all the same now.

And then Therese crawled up Carol’s body, and pushed her tongue into her mouth, and the taste of Carol travelled between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A super short chapter, but uhhh, hopefully it was worth it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A change of perspective...
> 
> (A mini-chapter to apologise for my severe laziness, and to remind you that this fic still exists. A proper chapter in the coming days.)

Carol woke to the peppering of tiny soft kisses along her jawline.

“Mmmmm.”

“Good morning,” Therese whispered.

She peeled one eye open to see Therese, wide eyed and watching her.

“More sleep,” she mumbled, rolling on to her side, pulling Therese’s hand with her. “Just cuddle me.”

Carol held Therese’s hand close, against her chest, and what felt like only moments later, she was waking again. This time, she felt the pressing of lips to her back and a hand running over her bare bottom, which nestled in Therese’s lap. With each stroke of her bottom, Carol felt Therese’s hand venturing closer and closer to the swollen lips between her legs, as if testing the waters, to see how close she could get before Carol woke.

Carol’s mind flashed back to the previous night, and how eager Therese had been to please and impress – several times – until the early morning. And now again, just hours later, so eager to please again.

“What has gotten into you?” Carol laughed. “I have awoken a beast. An adorable beast.”

In response, Carol felt Therese lean closer, and place her lips upon her shoulder, her tongue pushing through to caress along skin.

“I need sleep and rest,” Carol said.

“No,” Therese whispered into her ear. “You need me. I could feel you moving against me.”

Carol laughed. “I was sleeping!”

“Well, in your sleep, you’ve been grinding on me.” Therese leaned in close to Carol’s ear again and whispered, “so I think you need me.”

Carol could feel Therese’s breaths becoming rapid, as she kissed more passionately on her back and shoulders. A smile crept on Carol’s lips.

“What do I need you to do?” she asked. Carol opened her legs a little, encouraging Therese’s hand between them.

Therese placed one finger to Carol’s lips down there, and as she pushed through and found the wetness, Carol heard a whimper escape from Therese’s throat.

“I’m wet, aren’t I?” Carol asked, encouraging her again.

“You need me to… put my tongue right here.” Carol felt Therese’s finger brush over her clit. “And then run it along here.” Now her finger moved painfully slow, along the slit, to her opening.

“Mm, I need that,” Carol said, and in response to her words, she felt Therese exhale hard against her neck.

“You need to use me,” Therese whispered.

“Tell me,” Carol breathed back. A few moments, and she could feel embarrassment in Therese’s silence. “Keep going, Therese,” she encouraged, moving herself against the finger that moved slowly back and forward.

“You need me so badly, that you’ll… grab me hard and… push my tongue inside you.” As Therese breathed the words against her back, Carol felt two fingers thrust inside her. Carol thrust her bottom down, pushing Therese’s fingers further inside.

Carol turned her head to breathe hard into the pillow, as Therese pushed her body flush with Carol’s. Therese panted laboriously into her back, and moved her fingers hard and fast. As Therese’s fingers came up to enter her, Carol moved her body down on to them, hard.

Although they built a rhythm, Carol knew that she wouldn’t orgasm like this. Needing more, she contemplated bringing her own hand to herself, to complement Therese’s thrusts, but she knew that Therese wanted to do it all. So she sat up and rolled over on top of Therese, and with a hand to the shoulder, encouraged her to slide down the mattress. The silently shuffled into place – Carol on top, her knees spread wide, on either side of Therese’s face.

Carol looked down, to the green eyes between her legs, and slowly lowered herself closer to Therese’s lips. At first, she held herself steady above her, so that Therese could lift her head, and bring her tongue to her. But Carol was swollen from the night before, and not as sensitive as usual, so after just a few strokes of Therese’s tongue, she found herself pushing down into her, seeking harder contact.

Moving her hips back and forth, Carol would look down to see Therese’s face pushed hard between her legs. She could see Therese’s nose disappear into her folds, as she pushed forward hard, and then appear again, as she stroked herself the opposite away along Therese’s face. Therese would glance up to her, and each time, the eye contact would surge Carol closer to orgasm.

“Fuck,” Carol breathed, bracing her hands out to the mattress in front of her, seeking leverage.

She was pushing herself so hard against Therese, that Carol thought she probably couldn’t even breathe. This worried part of her, but the other part just needed Therese even harder against her, regardless. She pulled herself up, for just a few seconds, and breathed to her, “take some breaths, and then I’m going to come.”

Carol could see Therese’s nose and mouth slick with her wet, and after just a few gasps, she felt Therese’s hands on her hips, pulling her back down. This time, they both held their breaths, as Carol rocked hard against her face. She could feel Therese’s hands, still on her hips, trying to pull her even closer, although there was simply no gap to close. She pushed herself so hard against her, that she could feel Therese’s teeth graze her, and she almost wished that she would bite. She needed more, she didn’t care how.

“I’m going to come,” she said, and then her body crumbled away, unable to support itself or sustain normal function. She fell to the side, landing hard on the mattress.

“Wow,” Therese gasped for air. “What was that?”

Carol laughed, catching her breath.

“Sometimes it will be soft and loving. Sometimes it will be hard and needy. There are all sorts of ways it can be. And we’ll do them all, my love.”


	23. Chapter 23

They arrived back in Manhattan mid-afternoon. Carol had dropped her off at her apartment, and Therese stood with the suitcase on the sidewalk, and blew a kiss as Carol pulled away from the kerb. Therese had seen her smile and blush, as the car drove away. Once inside, Therese had laid down on top of her bed, beaming. She simply could not wipe the smile from her face, as she thought of their weekend away and how much things had changed. The base of her tongue ached from the night before – and the morning – and Therese hoped it would never recover. A constant reminder, right there in her mouth, behind her teeth, of who she really was, and what she could do, and how she could make Carol feel. When she had told Carol about her aching tongue on the drive back to Manhattan, Carol had thrown her head back with laughter and eventually said, “I suppose it’s like any other muscle.”

She lifted the suitcase up on to the bed, and undid the clasps. The clothes that were once neatly folded in side-by-side piles, were now haphazardly thrown together. Therese’s underwear on top of Carol’s scarf, and Carol’s pyjamas underneath Therese’s bathing suit. She did not have a washing machine or dryer in her apartment, so she scooped all of the clothes into a mesh bag, and slung it over her shoulder, grabbing a book from the shelf as she walked out the door.

 

 

“What happened to your hand?”

Therese looked up from her copy of _Charlotte’s Web_ to see a blonde woman. Not _her_ blonde woman, but she was quite beautiful, and about Therese’s own age. “I cut it,” she said. “While slicing bread. Quite pathetic, really.”

The blonde laughed. “It looks pretty nasty.”

“Yes. It was bandaged up until today, but apparently it needs to breathe.” Therese looked down at the dark blue stitches.

“Is that so?” the blonde replied, taking the seat next to Therese. “I’m Jenny, by the way.”

“Oh. Hi. I’m Therese.”

She returned her eyes to the letters on the page in her hand. They sat in silence, surrounded by the whirring of washing machines and dryers.

“I’ve seen you here a few times,” Jenny said, after several minutes had passed.

“Oh? I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

“No, I suspect not. Your head is always in a book.”

Therese felt a flush of heat roll over her, knowing that this woman had noticed her. She said nothing, and wished that her machine would beep, telling her it was finished. She felt the tired throb of her tongue behind her teeth. She wondered if Jenny had ever done that before, and then immediately cursed herself for thinking it.

“Do you live nearby?” Jenny asked after a while.

“Yes, just down the street. And you?”

“Me too.”

More silence, until a dryer started its finishing tune.

“Oh, that’s me,” Jenny said, standing up.

Therese watched over the top of her book as she knelt down by the dryer and tugged on the clothes, and they tumbled into the plastic basket. Her legs were long and slim, and she wore tight blue jeans, rolled up to expose her ankles. Jenny’s eyes glanced back to her, and Therese quickly averted hers back down to her book.

“Well, see you,” Jenny said, lifting the basket onto her hip.

“Bye.”

 

 

That evening, after Therese was bathed and ready for bed, she heard a light knock at the door, and the voice of Tommy from across the hall: “A call for you, Therese.”

Knowing it would be Carol, she ducked out into the hallway.

“Carol?”

“Darling.” Her voice was low.

A few moments of silence.

“What’s wrong, Carol?” Therese asked.

“Nothing. Why?”

“You sound blue,” Therese said.

“I haven’t even said anything.”

“I know.”

“What are you wearing?” Carol asked, after a few moments.

Therese laughed. “My blue pyjamas, and red robe.”

“What’s on your feet?”

Therese looked down at her feet on the hardwood floor. “Nothing.”

“You shouldn’t stand in the hallway barefoot.”

“Okay, Carol.”

“I just wanted to call to say goodnight.”

“Oh. Well, goodnight then.” A few moments of silence and then Therese spoke again. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I’m busy.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, Therese. Sleep well. You didn’t get much sleep last night.”

Therese smiled, remembering what they had done instead. “I love you.”

“I love you. I’ll call you tomorrow night.”

And then the line went gently dead.

 

 

Therese had taken off work until Monday, and so she had another four days to pass. Thursday was another hot day. She opened all the windows in her apartment, and cleaned everything from top to bottom. Her finger seemed mostly healed, but she bandaged it anyway, so as to protect it from the dust. She sorted through books, and dropped at least two dozen in a box. She went through her clothes, and picked out several winter items that would not last another season. She cleared and wiped over every bench, and every shelf. The evening after she cut her hand, Carol had wiped away her blood in the kitchen, but now, inspecting it closely, Therese could see the red in the cracks of the tiles. She scrubbed at it hard.

After lunchtime, the door buzzer rang. Her heart leapt, thinking it must be Carol. She dove for the button and stood at the apartment door. But it was Dannie coming up the stairs.

“Good to see you too, Belivet.” Dannie must have noticed the disappointment on her face.

“No, it is! Great to see you, I mean.” Therese was genuine.

“I thought I’d come check out the injury and see if you needed anything. Got your mail.” Dannie stepped inside, dropping a few letters on the kitchen table.

Therese peeled the bandage from her finger and held it out for Dannie to inspect.

“Yikes!” he said. “They’ve sewn you back together!”

Therese told him that she had to go back to the hospital on Saturday for them to remove the stitches, and when Dannie cringed, she told him that it couldn’t hurt worse than when they put them in. Dannie had a weak stomach, and it amused Therese to disgust him with the details.

Dannie looked around the apartment. “You know, they call it spring cleaning, because people do it in the spring. It is too hot for this! Come get a beer with me instead.”

She had made a mess in her cleaning fervour. In fact, the apartment looked much worse than it did this morning: sponges and clothes everywhere, books and clothes strewn about. And she certainly had worked up a thirst.

“Okay then,” she said. “We’ll drop these off at the kerb on the way,” she gestured at the box of books and box of clothes. She went into the bathroom, washed her hands and face, and pulled on a fresh t-shirt. “Just one beer,” she said, as she pulled the apartment door closed.

Therese carried the box of clothes, and Dannie carried the books. They dropped them by the kerbside, making sure the side that said ‘FREE’ faced the flow of pedestrians.

 

 

“You seem different, Belivet,” Dannie said as they took their seats by the bar.

“Do I?”

“Yes. I want to say older, but you also seem more youthful at the same time. Just happier, I suppose.”

Therese asked about work. Dannie told her that Phil had taken Jeanette on a date, and Therese asked for all the details, although Dannie did not have many. The excitement of talking about a new couple gave Therese a strange feeling in her stomach. She wanted to tell Dannie about Carol, and what they had. Dannie knew Carol, since she was a regular at the picture house, but he didn’t know that Therese loved her, and kissed her, or even that they ever spoke. Dannie wouldn’t judge, she knew. He would like that she was happy. And if he did judge, then at least she would know – she wouldn’t want him as a friend. The cool beer bubbled against her tongue, and she thought of Carol grabbing her head, pulling her close.

“How many times have you been in love?” Therese asked.

“A few times,” Dannie answered, vaguely.

“Have you ever been in love with a boy?” Dannie took time to think, and Therese appreciated it.

“No, never a boy,” he said, finally.

“It happens, though,” Therese said. “Say, a boy and a boy, or a girl and a girl.”

“Yeah, sure it does,” Dannie shrugged. Therese was watching him closely, clocking his reactions to her every word.

A few minutes passed, and Dannie bought them fresh drinks.

“You know that fancy blonde woman that comes into work?”

Dannie raised his eyebrows, and waved one hand about, as if to say _which one?_

“Her name is Carol,” Therese said.

“What about her?” Therese knew that Dannie didn’t know which woman she meant.

“Never mind,” she said, talking a big gulp of beer, swallowing every other word she wanted to say. She wondered if they would ever be a couple – a real couple, or if they would just always be hiding and lying.

 

 

A few too many beers later, Therese was making her way up the stairs to her apartment when the hallway phone rang.

“Hello?” she answered it.

“Therese? Is that you?”

“Yes. Hi, it’s me.”

“You sound different,” Carol said.

“I’m not.”

“Do you have a pen?”

“No, why?”

“I wanted to give you my new phone number.”

“New phone number?”

“Yes, for my apartment. I just moved in today.”

Therese giggled and could not stop laughing. How like Carol, to tell her this in such a casual way. As if it were not news.

“What’s so funny?” Carol said.

“Nothing,” Therese managed through her giggles.

“Then stop laughing into the phone.”

“Can I come see you?” Therese asked.

“Yes. Come tomorrow. I don’t have much furniture yet, but it is okay for now. I have an appointment in the morning, but I will be home by lunchtime.”

Carol gave her the address, which carved itself into Therese’s memory, and they said goodnight.


	24. Chapter 24

Therese set an early alarm, so that she could finish cleaning the apartment, buy some lunch and some flowers and make it to Carol’s by lunchtime. She wore the high-waisted checkered shorts that Carol particularly liked, and a short sleeved black blouse. Although she hadn’t worn it in months, today she wore Carol’s coin around a necklace, underneath her clothes.

She bought lunch at the deli by her apartment – olives, cold meats, cheeses, olive oil and bread – and carried it in a box on the subway across town, to the Upper West Side. Exiting the subway there, Therese’s eyes scanned across the streets, looking for a florist. She had not wanted to carry both lunch and the flowers on the journey, afraid that the heat would wilt the flowers and that her arms would be too full to be careful with them. But she did not know this neighbourhood, and was worried that she would be late, even though Carol had not specified a time.

“Excuse me, do you have the time?” she asked a man passing by.

“12:15,” he said, checking his watch.

“Do you know where I can buy some flowers near here?” she asked him, desperately.

He directed her further up the street, and around the corner. There, she found a flower cart. Not quite as fancy as she hoped. Therese asked for the grandest and brightest arrangement they could do, for $4. She balanced the bouquet on top of the box, and made her way back closer to the subway, where she believed Carol’s building should be.

It was a large white building, and in fact looked rather like Carol’s house. Just as grand. There were two large white and glass doors, and to the side, stood a doorman in a suit and hat.

“Ma’am,” he bowed slightly as she stepped towards him.

She could not think of an occasion where anyone else had called her ma’am. It made her giggle, and almost lose hold of the flowers. The man reached forward and steadied them for her.

“Here to see someone?” he asked.

“Yes. Yes. Carol… Aird,” she said. “She just moved in.”

The doorman insisted on carrying the box for her. They stepped into the elevator, and rode up to the 9th floor together. Stepping out of the elevator, Therese saw only two doors. The man gestured to the one on the left. Just before knocking, Therese turned around and grabbed the flowers from atop the box.

Therese saw Carol’s eyes lit up at the sight of her, and she noticed her eyes dart down to the flowers in her hands, and a smile take over her face. Then she saw a flicker of apprehension in Carol’s eyes, as she noticed the man behind her.

“Thank you, Jack,” Carol said to him, and the man stepped forward with the box. Therese handed the flowers to Carol, and Jack handed the box to Therese. She saw Carol slip him a tip, and then he retreated back into the elevator.

“A very fancy building.” 

Carol laughed. “Yes, it’s quite nice. Come in, come in. Come see the place.”

Flowers in hand, Carol led her throughout the apartment, identifying each room – living room, kitchen (Therese sat the box on the bench), dining room, bathroom, study, main bedroom, second bedroom, and utility room. The rooms were bright, with large windows and sheer curtains letting the sun stream in. The floors were dark wood, and the walls were clean and white. Almost every room was empty, aside from a few boxes and small pieces of furniture – side tables and such. The main bedroom had a large wooden bed, with a fluffy white comforter, and several coloured cushions, and it looked like the only room Carol had used.

“It’s nothing fancy,” Carol said, leading them back to the kitchen. “But I like it already. You’ll like it more when there’s furniture.”

“No, I like it now. I think it’s very nice.”

“What kind are these?” Carol pointed to some of the yellow flowers she still held in her hand.

“I don’t know,” Therese said. “Just flowers.”

“Just flowers,” Carol repeated, amused.

Therese told Carol to arrange somewhere they could sit and eat, and she unpacked the food from the box, spreading it out on a big wooden chopping board. She carried it into the living room, an envelope held in her mouth.

“What’s that?” Carol said, pointing to the paper.

She placed the chopping board down on the blanket Carol had laid out on the floor, and positioned herself on a cushion across from her. Just like a picnic, Therese thought, smiling.

“It’s from NYU,” she said, now holding it in her hand.

“What does it say?”

“I haven’t opened it yet, I thought we could do it together.”

“Well, go ahead then!” Carol said.

Therese tossed the envelope to Carol. “No. You do it.”

Carol ripped into the letter, and unfolded the paper. Therese watched her eyes scan across, reading it.

“Well?” she asked.

“You got in, of course.”

Therese squealed, and held her hands to her mouth. She wouldn’t actually go, she knew. Carol would offer to pay, and Therese would decline. But it was nice to know that they would want her if she could. Carol lifted herself up from the cushion, and leaned across to Therese, placing her lips softly on her neck. It wasn’t to start anything, but was just to make Therese smile.

“Well done,” she said, sitting back on the cushion. “I’m proud of you.”

They wouldn’t talk any more about it now. Therese didn’t want to ruin it. Refusing the money would only annoy Carol.

They sat eating lunch with their hands, talking mostly about the apartment. Carol had said she might even get a television. Therese had squealed again, and told her that she must, and it had made Carol laugh. There was no rush to get anything, Carol had said, because she had everything she really needed. As they ate, Therese noticed Carol a few times opening her mouth, as if to speak, then closing it again. As if the words could not quite find their way past her teeth. She was probably thinking about NYU and the money, Therese thought.

“Have the last olive,” Carol finally said, and Therese popped it into her mouth. “There’s something I need to tell you.” Her voice was serious.

Therese felt the blood rush from her face, and she noticed Carol clock this. She shuffled her cushion closer to Therese, until they were side by side, and grasped their hands together.

“It’s good news, but it will just be a shock. So I want you to wait before you react. I have a feeling you’ll want to run, but promise me that we’ll talk about it.”

“What is it, Carol?” Therese could barely get the words out from the hurricane in her stomach, and she could feel the coin bouncing against her chest with every thump of her heart. She knew this couldn’t last forever. This is it.

“Therese, I’m pregnant.”

Therese laughed and shook her head. “No, Carol. That’s not possible. That’s… not how this works. We… can’t…”

“It’s a blessing. It might not seem like it right away, but it’s a blessing,” Carol said, interrupting her thoughts.

And then it clicked.

“You… were still sleeping with him?” Therese freed her hands from Carol’s, and held them to her churning stomach.

“Relationships are complicated, Therese. Marriages even more so. How can you understand love if you don’t understand this?” Carol’s words stung, and Therese’s eyes began to burn as if they were suspended acid in the air.

Carol fumbled at her lap, trying to grab her hands again. Therese shook her off, sliding further away on the floor. Carol was right, she did want to run.

“This could be ours, Therese.” Carol held her hand to her own stomach. “This could be our baby.”

Therese found her feet, fumbling to stand, and started towards the door. She had a thousand questions, but could not begin to form the sentences. All she could manage was, “that’s not my baby,” as she walked away.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A really short chapter, but I already had it written, and people seem to be having meltdowns over the previous one, so I thought I better give you a follow-up.

By the time she made it to the door, Therese had pulled the necklace from under her blouse, and was tugging on it, hard, trying to break it away from her skin. The coin felt as if it weighed a tonne, and as if that tonne sat directly on her diaphragm, restricting her every breath. She pulled on it, feeling the chain dig hard into the back of her neck, but it wasn’t coming free. And then Carol was there, and her hand held Therese’s hand, which gripped around the coin.

“Stop,” Carol told, her calmly, positioning herself between Therese and the front door.

Therese shook her hand, dropping the coin, and Carol’s hand. Carol was close, but not touching her, and silent, but also telling her ‘it’s okay, this will pass and I’m right here.’ Therese wanted to push Carol, to punch her, to feel her skin rip open at her hands, but she wanted to fall into her arms, and silently sob, to feel Carol’s hand firmly rubbing her back.

She could feel Carol’s eyes upon her, patiently watching and waiting, and eventually, the calm began to wash over her too, and her breaths steadied, and her vision began to clear.

Carol stepped away from the door, and Therese felt that they both knew she wouldn’t leave now. Carol walked into the kitchen, and Therese’s feet followed. Carol placed a glass of water on the counter for her, and Therese sat on a stool, gulping it down.

She looked up to see Carol, on the other side of the counter. She could not decipher the look on her face as anything other than patience, as her eyes surveyed Therese, waiting for her to speak. Therese knew that Carol would answer her every question. She placed her open palms on the cool counter top.

“When… did you find out?” she asked.

“This morning. Just hours ago. We had been trying for ten years, and for the last eight years, I have been seeing a doctor once a month.” Carol’s voice was steady and matter-of-fact.

“Ten years, and you have never been expecting before?”

“No, I’ve had miscarriages. Six of them – the last one three years ago. I need to be really careful with this one.”

Therese twirled the empty glass on the counter, and she watched the remaining droplet of water grip to the side.

“Can you answer something honestly for me?” she kept her eyes on the glass. “When did you last sleep with him?” Therese looked up to carefully watch Carol’s answer.

“When we were on that break. Just the once, and certainly not since then.” Therese knew that the answer was honest.

“And how exactly do you expect this to work?”

“However you want it to. I’m having the baby regardless, and I’ll do it alone if I need to, but I love you.”

“So you won’t go back to him if I say no?” Therese could not even say his name, and she swore to herself that she never would again.

“Of course not.”

They sat in silence for a few moments.

“This is not exactly the life I expected for myself,” Therese said, finally. “I love you, but right now I can’t help but think that it would be easier if I didn’t.”

“Yes,” Carol said.

Carol would not try to convince her, Therese knew. And it was just not something that one could decide right on the spot, merely minutes after finding out. They would talk about it again, when she was ready.

“Do you have a vase?” Therese asked, gesturing to the flowers that lay on the kitchen bench.

Carol reached across the counter, grabbed the glass from in front of Therese, filled it with water, and dropped the flower stems inside.

After a while, Carol had suggested that they go furniture shopping, and Therese was happy to get out of the apartment. That afternoon, they walked all over the Upper West Side, going into any store they fancied. They had agreed on a few pieces – a dining table, and some bedside stands. Carol used her knowledge to haggle down the prices, but she would have been more than happy to write a check for the original price, Therese knew.

They sat down on what felt like hundreds of couches and armchairs, but none feeling quite right. They would know it when they saw it, Carol told her, and there was no rush. When they tried them out, Carol would let Therese sit close, their sides flush against each other. She had started sitting on the other side, leaving a gap between them, and then Carol had said, “Why sit over there? We should test it how we would use it at home,” giving her a wink. A few times, Carol had glanced around the store, and then placed an arm around Therese, or rested a hand on her thigh.

When they stumbled upon the sections of cribs and baby furniture, Therese would quicken her step. But catching glimpses of Carol across the rows of furniture, Therese could not help but wonder what it would be like to glance across at her, and see the baby in her arms, or toddling on the floor between them.

By the time they made it back to Carol’s apartment, their stomachs were growling and their feet were sore. Therese insisted that Carol run a bath, while she ran back downstairs to buy some dinner. When she returned to the apartment, she left the food in the kitchen and opened the bathroom door. Carol, laid in the large bath, was pleased to see her, and moved her feet, as if to suggest there was plenty of room for two. Food forgotten, Therese peeled off her clothes, piece by piece, and she could feel Carol’s eyes trace over her as she did. She dipped her toe in the warm water, and then slowly submerged her whole body, alongside Carol’s legs. She reached out for Carol’s foot – toes now wrinkly from the water – and began to run her fingers along the sole of her foot in a gentle massage. Carol closed her eyes and laid back her head, and Therese could hear her exhale.

As she continued to massage Carol’s foot, Therese let her eyes trace up Carol’s naked body – the long pale legs, the dark blonde hair between them, her nipples standing tall above the water’s surface. She looked back down to Carol’s stomach, and Therese wondered what it would be like, when it grew bigger, and she wondered who was inside.


	26. Chapter 26

Early Saturday morning, Therese was brushing her teeth when the door buzzer rang. She knew it was Carol, so she spat into the sink, and stood in the doorway to watch her come up the stairs.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Carol smiled, taking the steps two at a time.

“You don’t have to drive me, you know,” Therese said, but she was glad she wanted to. “And you should take it easy on those stairs.”

After a quick glance around the hallway, Carol placed a chaste kiss to Therese’s lips, as she stepped through the doorway.

“I’m fine, Therese. But I love that you care.”

Therese closed the door and fidgeted at the cord tied around her short robe. “Of course I care.”

“What shall we do today?” Carol asked, taking a seat on the couch, her arm resting up along the backrest.

Therese picked at the stitches on her finger. They had started to itch, and she was looking forward to getting them removed that morning.

“I need to go to the bank first, to get some money for the doctor. And then we can do whatever you’d like.”

Therese saw Carol open her mouth. She was about to protest about the money, she knew. But then she closed it again and just nodded. Therese had been off work all week, and hadn’t been paid for it, but she had some savings, and Carol always paid for everything else. She wanted to pay for this one thing, and she knew that Carol could tell it was important to her.

Therese hopped in the shower, but kept the bathroom door open, so that she and Carol could talk while she washed. When she was getting dressed, she had looked across to Carol sitting in the living room. Carol watched her carefully, as she pulled the short green dress over her head, and fingered its buttons.

“You look delightful in that,” Carol told her. “I’ve never seen it before.” And then after a few moments she said, “You know what? Let’s go to Central Park this afternoon.”

Carol waited in the car by the kerb, while Therese ran into the bank and withdrew $100. It was almost half of her entire savings, but she did not know how much it would cost, and could only hope that it would be enough.

Once they were in the doctor’s office, Carol held on to her right hand while the doctor worked at her left. The doctor didn’t look twice, assuming they were friends and that Therese was nervous or squeamish, she supposed. She played it up, turning her head away from the doctor, keeping her eyes on Carol, and focusing on Carol’s thumb stroking up and down on her own. She must have had a particular look in her eye, because it had eventually made Carol almost start giggling. Regaining her composure, she had given Therese a cheeky wink. When the doctor led them back out of the room, Therese had felt Carol’s hand give a little tap to her bottom, and the sneakiness meant that Therese could barely wipe the smile from her face, even as she handed the $100 over to the cashier, and received only $12 change for four minutes of the doctor’s time. And she did it just to make her smile, Therese knew.

It was a nice day, with a clear blue sky and cool breeze, so Carol fancied walking to Central Park from her place. She drove the big green car to the apartment in the Upper West Side, and pulled into the parking garage, underneath the building. The space had a sign that read ‘Aird’ and Therese liked that it was Carol’s, ignoring where the name had come from.

They had found a small checkered blanket in the back of the car, which Therese carried as they walked through the streets to the park. Therese wanted to sit in the sun, but insisted that Carol sit in the shade, so she laid the blanket out right where the shade met the sunlight. They slipped off their shoes, and Carol sat up in the shade, leaning back on her hands, and Therese laid next to her, on her stomach, her head held up on folded arms. Neither had a book, and neither had much to say, but the silence was comfortable. Carol looked out at the other people in the park, and Therese watched Carol.

After a while, Carol told Therese to move into the shade, as her neck and shoulders were looking red. So they reshuffled a little, and Therese sat up. Carol’s elbows were getting sore, so Therese told her to lie back on her. The park was full of young people, many of them lying about on top of each other, and they would not look out of place, Therese knew. So Carol placed her head in Therese’s lap, and Therese even ran her fingers through Carol’s hair a few times.

After a few minutes, Carol closed her eyes. Therese looked out at the people in the park. Being summer, it was mostly young people, on break from school or college. There were a few families, too. Parents no older than Therese, babies toddling between them, or laying on them, like Carol did to her now.

And then she spotted her about twenty yards away. It was Jenny, the girl from the laundromat. She sat in a circle of people about their age – both boys and girls. They were drinking beers, Therese could see. She was wearing a buttoned up blouse, which was tied in a knot, exposing her stomach. Her shorts were high-waisted, and showed all of her legs. She wondered what Jenny was doing here, so far away from their neighbourhood. Jenny hadn’t seen her, and Therese thought that even if she looked over, she probably wouldn’t recognise her. But if she did, she wondered what she would think of Carol’s head resting in her lap.

One of Jenny’s friends – a boy – was strumming on a guitar, and the rest of them were chatting. She saw Jenny’s head turn and her eyes scan around the park, and Therese’s stomach tightened. She wasn’t sure if she was desperate for them to lock eyes, or if she feared it. And then Jenny reached behind her friend, and picked up a book, and started to read it. It was _Catcher in the Rye_ and straight away, Therese knew that it was her _Catcher in the Rye._ The copy she had left in a box on the kerb earlier in the week.

“What’s wrong?”

Therese pulled her eyes away from the reading girl, and looked down at Carol in her lap, grey eyes looking up to her.

“Nothing. What would be wrong?”

“I don’t know, but you look like you’ve seen a ghost. Are you unwell?” Carol sat up and placed the back of her hand on Therese’s forehead. “Is your finger hurting?” she asked.

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Therese shrugged her shoulders. “But let’s go get some lunch.”

 

After lunch, Carol had been yawning, and so Therese hailed them a cab, to take them just the few blocks to Carol’s apartment. Jack was at the door, and bowed his head as he let them into the foyer. Therese had reached out for Carol’s hand as the elevator doors opened, and led her to the apartment door, then through it, and then through the living room, down the hallway, into the bedroom.

Therese had undressed Carol slowly and silently, and then Carol had climbed into bed. Therese opened the bedroom window, letting the afternoon breeze in. She was going to leave, but then Carol told her, “climb in here with me,” and she couldn’t resist. She peeled off her own clothing, and curled up behind Carol, holding her, the whole length of their naked bodies touching, and in minutes, she felt her even breaths of sleep.

After a while of holding her, brushing her lips against Carol’s back, and her fingers over her stomach, Therese climbed out of bed, and pulled on her dress. She walked to the store across the street, and made a few select purchases with the money remaining in her purse – two pork chops, some vegetables, a candlestick with a candle, and some chocolate brownies. She let herself back into Carol’s apartment with the keys she had taken from her purse, and was careful to close the bedroom door softly, so as to not wake Carol with her cooking.

She washed and peeled potato and yams, chopped them into pieces, and put them in the oven. She topped and tailed green beans, and rubbed spices into the meat of the chops. The dining table and chairs had not yet been delivered, so Therese laid a blanket out on the living room floor, like Carol had done the day before. She placed two cushions across from each other, and set the candlestick between them. Therese looked down at the cushion, knowing that it would be too uncomfortable for Carol, and that she needed to find something better.

Therese paced the apartment, looking in cupboards, and surveying all the furniture she had to work with. Eventually, she carried two small bedside tables from the second bedroom, into the living room. And then she selected the two sturdiest boxes she could find, and laid a towel over the top of each. She pushed the bedside tables together, so that they created one long table, with the candlestick in the middle, and on either end, she pushed the boxes. It was ridiculous, she knew, but it was better than making Carol sit on the floor. She filled a glass of water, and selected a few flowers from the bouquet on the kitchen bench – two pink, and a yellow – and placed them alongside the candlestick.

The sun was setting, and she could smell the vegetables from the oven. All she needed to do was throw the beans in some boiling water for a few minutes, and fry the chops in a pan for about ten. She set up Carol’s portable record player in the corner of the living room, and started Carol’s favourite Billie Holiday record.

And then she felt the presence of Carol standing in the hallway, by the bedroom door. She had pulled on a robe, and her blonde hair was amess.

“How long did I sleep?” 

“Almost two hours.”

“I needed it,” she admitted, rubbing her eyes.

“Dinner’s almost ready. Are you hungry?”

Carol nodded, crossing the hallway to enter the bathroom. Therese saw the bathroom light illuminate the hallway, and she heard Carol using the toilet. She smiled, thinking how Carol hadn’t felt the need to close the door on her.

When Carol had seen the dining set up in the living room, she smiled and shook her head.

“You are just so lovely, Therese. I don’t know how I got you,” she said.

Even now, it was unusual for Carol to speak about her feelings so candidly, and to say something so nice. The compliment made Therese's face grow warm, and she couldn't help but smile, as she lit the candle and served the plates.


	27. Chapter 27

Therese fidgeted at her clothes, as they walked along the street in the mid-morning sun. After dinner, Abby had phoned, and she and Carol agreed to meet for breakfast. Therese would come too, Carol had said, without asking her.

These clothes were perfectly fine yesterday, but they were yesterday’s, and the short green dress was not exactly breakfast attire. Therese leant down, pulling its hem, trying to cover more of her leg.

“Would you stop that?” Carol said. “You look perfectly fine.”

Therese didn’t reply, but the palms of her hands now worked at trying to press creases from fabric.

“Therese.” Carol spoke again, firmly.

She dropped her hands and continued walking silently alongside Carol.

“There’s nothing for you to nervous about. She’s a very dear friend, and she’ll love you because I do.”

They arrived at the diner before Abby, and sat together on one side of the booth, leaving the opposite side empty. When Abby came through the front door only a minute later, Therese immediately recognised her from the picture house, all those months ago. And when Carol stood to embrace her friend, Therese found herself awkwardly sliding along the seat on her bottom, not entirely committed to getting up or not.

“Hi there!” Abby exclaimed. Therese found her feet, falling into a half-hearted hug. Abby had a look of amusement in her eyes, as they darted between Therese and Carol, and Therese suddenly felt even more self conscious than before, at the clothes that hung from her measly frame, her skin that was barely months from the acne of adolescence, and really, the very shape of her own face.

Therese felt Carol’s soft fingers land on her elbow, encouraging her back along the bench seat. As they settled into the booth, she watched Abby and Carol talk short handed and animated – Abby rolling her eyes, and laughter from deep within Carol’s belly echoing around the room. Therese busied her hands underneath the table, pulling at the hem of her own dress.

Abby’s face was soft. Her features not as striking as Carol’s, and her brown eyes seemed warmer, as if they always found something amusing. Therese wondered if Abby knew about the baby. She probably did. In fact, Carol probably phoned Abby right away, that very morning, before Therese had even been told.

Carol unclasped her cigarette case, and lighted one, before sliding the case across to Therese, and then across to Abby. Therese hung a cigarette between her lips, but just as she was about to light it, Carol held out her own.

“Here, darling. Take this one. The taste is making me feel ill.”

Abby had yet to light hers either, but Carol had given it to Therese, and not to Abby. And she had called her ‘darling’ too. A smile crept on to Therese’s lips, and she breathed the cigarette back quickly, making sure to exhale the smoke far from Carol.

“So Therese, tell me about yourself,” Abby said.

Therese listed the basics – that she lived in Manhattan, worked in a picture house, took photographs in her spare time. Abby probably knew all of this, anyway. Carol proudly chimed in to add that she had been accepted into NYU.

“That’s fabulous. You’ll learn a lot there. And not just about photography. You’ll meet a lot of people, and learn a lot about yourself.”

“Well, yes, perhaps. But I feel quite sure of myself already.” It was a lie, and Abby knew it.

“Ah, so young,” Abby smiled, eyes flickering across to Carol.

Abby changed the subject to a trip she was planning to Europe in the fall. She and Carol discussed museums in Paris, and hotels in Berlin, both of their lips easily forming the foreign words of cities, streets and restaurants. After a few minutes, Therese realised Abby was using the words ‘we’ and ‘us’, and that Carol and Abby had been to Europe together. She thought of the measly balance of her own bank account, and her tiny apartment and twin bed.

“You should come back with me,” Abby said to Carol.

“I don’t think so. I’ve got a lot going on here. I don’t feel like getting away just now. Maybe we’ll go next year?” Carol looked across to Therese, eyebrows raised.

“Maybe,” Therese mumbled, barely moving her lips. Her eyes glanced up to Abby’s, and she could see the same look in them as before – amused, and challenging.

 

 

After breakfast, Carol didn’t feel like walking back, so she hailed them a cab. Therese obediently slid along the seat, allowing Carol to sit closest to the kerb. The moment Carol pulled the door closed, Therese couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“What the hell was that?”

Therese saw Carol’s eyes glance at the back of the driver’s head, and then silently communicate to her ‘not now’.

Therese spoke again, “You can’t tell me nothing is happening. Did you hear what she said? Did you see how she looked at me? She thinks I’m a child!” Therese folded her arms in a huff, her eyebrows furrowed.

A small laugh escaped from Carol’s lips. “Well, if she shoe fits…” she said, gesturing to Therese’s tantrum.

“It’s not a joke!”

“Darling, it is a joke, because you’re being ridiculous. We’re almost home.”

When they pulled up out the front of Carol’s building, Carol tossed some money to the driver, and held the car door open for Therese.

“How was breakfast?” Jack asked, holding the door open for them.

“Delicious. You’ll have to come next time,” Carol smiled to him.

Once inside the apartment door, they dropped their purses and stepped out of their shoes. Carol turned to face Therese, and walking backwards to the kitchen, held out her hands and said, “Well come on, then. Let’s have it.”

Therese followed her silently to the kitchen. She was all too aware of how childish her display in the taxi had been, and was now feeling rather embarrassed, on top of her hurt. She sat at the kitchen counter, and watched Carol fill the teapot, and slide two cups and saucers across the bench.

“You know that she loves you, don’t you?”

“What makes you say that?” Carol asked. Carol sat next to Therese, but sideways, resting her bare feet on the base of Therese’s barstool.

“What makes you say that she doesn’t?” Therese bit back, feeling the anger rise in her stomach again.

“Darling, it was months ago, and is nothing for you to worry about.” Carol shook her head a little.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s that unimportant. It came and went, and was entirely different to you and I.”

“And you went to Europe together?” Therese asked.

“Yes. That’s where it began, and it continued not much longer after we were home.”

Therese sat in silence. After a few moments, it was Carol who spoke again. “Darling, what is it about it that bothers you? Of course I’ve been with other people. I’m much older than you.”

“It’s not just that,” Therese said. “It was the way she spoke to me. And the way you let her.”

“To me, she was just being Abby. She jokes. I really think you're looking too far into it, but I had no idea it was hurting you. I’ll have a word with her.”

“No, Carol, don’t. She’ll know I said something. But don’t just sit there next time.”

Carol stood, and came close to Therese, so that they could wrap their arms around each other. Therese could feel the steady rise and fall of Carol’s chest against her own. Therese turned her head, and found Carol’s neck with her lips, placing them softly there.

“I can’t take you to Europe,” Therese admitted, lips against Carol’s skin.

Carol laughed suddenly, her head thrown back. “Oh, Therese! I don’t want to go to Europe!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my absence! This chapter was just me trying to find their voices again, after so long. So apologies for the lack of plot etc. More to come soon. I'm in the middle of exams, so please be patient. I will continue!


	28. Chapter 28

For the rest of the day, Therese and Carol directed furniture delivery men about the apartment, pointing out where to place the dining table and chairs, side tables, chests of drawers and bedside stands. But then Carol and Therese ended up changing their minds, and moving most of it themselves anyway. By the end of the day, the apartment was mostly furnished, except for a couch, which they were yet to select. And the spare bedroom – the baby’s, Therese supposed – was still empty, except for a few boxes of things. Its door sat mostly closed.

Therese still wore yesterday’s dress, and had to work the following day, so she decided to go home before dinner, and sleep in her own bed. She planned to take the subway, but Carol insisted on walking her downstairs, and paying for a cab. Before she closed the car door, Carol had told her to phone before bed.

She phoned from the hallway phone, dressed in her robe and fluffy red socks. She had nothing on underneath, so held the robe tight around her. When she whispered Carol this, she could hear her smile through the phone.

“It’s nasty, isn’t it? Having to go into the hallway to phone me. And never being able to quite speak freely.”

“I don’t mind it,” Therese said.

“You should have stayed. I could have dropped you off in the morning.”

Therese smiled. “Miss me, do you?”

“Terribly.”

Carol was tired, and was planning on going to bed early. Therese told her to eat the left over vegetables from last night, but she insisted she wasn’t hungry, and in fact felt quite sick in her stomach.

“Some buttered toast, then,” Therese said. “You should really should have something or you’ll just feel worse in the morning.”

“Okay darling, I will,” Carol said. “And I’ll pick you up from work tomorrow night. So pack a few things, so that you can stay.”

“Goodnight, Carol. Promise you’ll have the toast.”

Carol laughed. “Goodnight, Therese. Sleep well.”

 

 

When Therese walked out of the picture house at around quarter past 11, Carol was waiting across the road, leaning on the car. As she crossed the road, Therese felt Carol’s eyes slowly trace down her body, to her toes, and then back up again, a smile set upon her lips. They didn’t speak until they were seated – Carol behind the steering wheel, and Therese right next to her on the bench seat.

“How was work?”

“Dull, as usual. Mondays usually are.”

“Are you tired, or do you have the energy to come with me somewhere?”

“I’m okay,” Therese said, shrugging her shoulders. “Where are we going?”

“You’ll see. We won’t be long, I swear.”

The summer night was cool, and they had the windows down, so as Carol drove them in the direction of her apartment, Therese sat close, their legs flush against each other. As the surroundings of Carol’s neighbourhood became familiar to Therese, the car veered through a side street, and then another, and another. With each turn, Therese felt as if perhaps Carol was leading her down a rabbit hole, to another city or land entirely. Or perhaps it was the car itself that took them both there.

When Carol stopped the car, they were in an alleyway entirely unfamiliar to Therese. It did not even feel like New York, but how she imagined the narrow streets of Europe.

“Come on,” Carol said, opening her door.

Therese did not want to get out of the car on her own side – it was the unfamiliarity and darkness of the street that made her uneasy. So she slid along the seat on her bottom, feeling the warmth from where Carol sat, and running her fingertips over the steering wheel, before stepping out behind Carol.

Carol giggled. “You’re a funny little thing.”

There was not another soul in sight, and so Therese grabbed Carol’s hand and held herself close, as Carol led them across the narrow road.

“So clingy tonight,” Carol said. “What’s the matter?”

Therese didn’t answer, but held herself close, as they approached the glass door of a darkened shop front. For a moment, she thought they were breaking into the store, and her eyes scanned the alleyway again, to be certain of no witnesses.

Carol noticed her nervousness, and furrowed one eyebrow, as she pulled keys from her coat pocket. “This is Abby’s store, silly.”

Therese exhaled with relief and laughed. “Oh my god! Carol! I thought you were… breaking in or something.”

Carol burst into laughter, as she turned the key and the handle, and led Therese into the store. Carol flicked on a few lights – just enough for them to see. The store was one giant room, with what looked like thousands of furniture pieces. It was as if the very walls themselves were made of cabinets and wardrobes.

“I just need to do something in the office. Have a look around.”

“Come with me,” Therese said, grabbing Carol’s hand.

“You’re in such a funny mood tonight,” Carol said, lifting Therese’s hand to her lips, and placing them there quickly.

They walked among the furniture. Carol pointed out the pieces that had been there forever, and those which were new. In a corner of small bits and pieces, Therese fancied a small wooden box. Its edges were sharp, and Therese liked the feeling of running her fingertips along them. It would be nice to store cigarettes, if Carol started to like the taste again, or to store letters or pens and papers.

“Take it,” Carol said.

“I don’t particularly need it.”

“No, but I particularly like how you look at it. Take it, Therese.”

She would pick it up on the way out, rather than carry it around, Therese had said, as they continued about the room.

They came upon a group of couches and armchairs, and a grey couch with wooden legs stood out to Therese. When she pointed it out to Carol, they both agreed that it was very handsome and rather modern. Carol took a seat, and patted the cushion beside her.

“Come sit with me.”

“Are you going to kiss me?” Therese asked.

“Do you want me to?”

Therese could only manage a smile, and then as she was about to sit down, Carol had grabbed her hand and pulled her over, so that she stood in front of Carol. She spread her knees so that Therese stood between them, and Therese felt Carol’s hands run up over her bottom, before slipping up under her blouse, palms moving smoothly over her back. Therese placed her hands on either side of Carol’s face. She could feel the wisp of every baby hair growing along her hairline there, and then, as she moved her hands down to Carol’s neck, the steady beating of her heart. Carol tilted her head up, and Therese reached down, and their lips met softly and slowly. It was so gentle, and felt like the very first time again, and Therese found her brain painting a picture of blues and greens, of curves and soft peaks, as the calm spread from her lips to her toes.

And then sparks and flickers of red and yellow, as Carol tugged at her hip, pulling her down to her lap, and as Carol’s tongue moved into her mouth, finding her own. She could feel Carol’s hands, shaking and shivering, as if nervous or cold, running up each of her bare thighs, and then gripping them hard when Therese ran her tongue against Carol’s.

Carol pulled away from the kiss, but held Therese close, and Therese could feel Carol’s breaths, ragged and soft, against her neck. With shaking fingers, Carol hastily unbuttoned Therese’s blouse, and dropped it to the floor, along with her bra. As Carol’s lips found one nipple, her fingers caressed the other. The flicks of her tongue there made Therese begin to move against Carol’s lap.

“Lie down,” Therese said, and so Carol did, across the length of the couch.

Therese removed her own skirt, and in just a pair of white underwear, climbed on top, placing her legs on either side of one of Carol’s, pushing her own thigh up against the place between Carol’s trousered legs. A gasp escaped Carol’s lips as Therese found contact there, and she felt Carol’s arms wrap around her back, pulling her tightly close.

They rocked against each other there, on the grey couch, Therese pushing her tongue so deep into Carol’s mouth, that she felt she might tumble in after it at any moment. Therese was usually not so vocal, but this time, as she felt Carol’s hands gripping at her hips, she had cried out and not even known it until the sound had already escaped her lips. Then she had collapsed on top of Carol, practically naked against her, her arms unable to hold her own weight.

“So what do you think? Shall we get this one, or do you want to try out some others?” Carol said.

Therese laughed. “No, I like this one.”


	29. Chapter 29

Therese had packed a few things to stay at Carol’s on Monday night. But when she carried her toothbrush into the bathroom before bed, she had seen a brand new one sitting by Carol’s. She might as well have one here, Carol had said, and as Therese slipped her old one back into her purse, Carol gave her a wink.

“You should probably leave a set of pyjamas here too,” Carol said, shrugging her shoulders in an exaggerated way. Therese giggled.

The night was warm, and so they ended up peeling off their pyjamas and throwing them by the foot of the bed, anyway. In the morning, the fabric lay crumpled together on the floor.

Carol had promised to work at Abby’s on Tuesday, and had to leave early in the morning for open. Therese pulled on a robe and made coffee while Carol dressed, and as she did, she thought of the handsome grey couch in the back of the store, which now had a “sold” sticker over its tag.

“Do you want some toast?” she yelled out in the direction of Carol’s bedroom. She appeared in the hallway, dressed in only trousers and socks.

“Hmm?” Carol said. The grey trousers sat up around her waist, and Therese’s eyes wandered down over her breasts, to Carol’s bellybutton, just left exposed by the waistband. She had a freckle right by her bellybutton, which Therese particularly liked. When her eyes found their way back up to Carol’s face again, Therese saw an amused smirk on her lips.

“Toast?” she finally managed.

“No, thanks. But make some for yourself.”

Therese toasted three pieces, because she knew she would be able to convince Carol to have at least one. When Carol breezed into the kitchen – now fully dressed, with hair in soft curls – she placed a kiss to her cheek as Therese buttered the toast.

“You’re an angel,” she said, selecting one of the cups of coffee. She stood by the counter, taking hurried sips from the cup.

“Sit for just a minute, Carol. You’ve got time.”

As she did, Therese pushed the plate of toast between them, and Carol took a piece, like Therese knew she would.

“Oh darling, I almost forgot. Abby asked me to go to something on Broadway with her this evening.”

“Oh?”

“It’s Oklahoma, and it’s only a limited run. She bought the tickets weeks and weeks ago. I haven’t seen her much, other than at the store. I told her I would.”

Therese nodded, sipping her coffee. She could feel Carol’s eyes on her.

“I feel bad. You didn’t have anything planned, did you? It slipped my mind,” Carol said.

“No. Not at all.” It wasn’t a lie; she didn’t have anything planned as such. But she had the day off, and had assumed they would spend the evening together.

Carol glanced at the clock on the oven, and sighed. “I’m going to be late,” she said, taking one last gulp of coffee as she stood. “Stay as long as you’d like. You should stay the night again. I’ll be coming home to change after work.”

Carol placed a chaste kiss to Therese’s lips and before she could even really kiss back, Carol had started towards the apartment door.

“Wait!” Therese said, chasing after her. “I want a better one,” she said, grabbing Carol by the arm as they reached the door. Therese saw a smile form on Carol’s lips, and then she pressed her own lips to them. This time they moved against each other, and Therese’s hands grabbed at Carol’s hips, pulling her close. Before finally letting her leave, Therese tidied Carol’s lipstick.

“I love you,” Carol told her, as Therese’s pinky finger ran around the edge of her lips, removing smudges.

 

 

It felt strange to be in Carol’s apartment without her. Quiet and empty. She washed the dishes from breakfast, and made Carol’s bed. She picked up their pyjamas from the floor, and threw them in the washing machine so that Carol wouldn’t have to. She almost giggled at the thought of Carol doing such tedious chores. She found a hamper of Carol’s dirty clothes in the utility room and after sorting through it, putting delicates in a separate bag, Therese started the machine.

As Therese milled about the apartment, waiting for the machine to finish, its whirring echoed into every room. She thumbed through Carol’s records, and selected a few to play, before changing her mind and putting them all back again. She wandered from room to room, past the closed door of the spare bedroom, until she found herself in the study. She had not been in here much, and it looked like Carol hadn’t either. A bookshelf sat against one wall, with only a few books on it, the rest in cardboard boxes on the floor. Therese began to unpack the books and stack them on the shelf. Therese owned a lot of books, but Carol owned even more: novels, and reference books, collections of poetry, and children’s stories. Therese set aside a few large photography books, to look through later, and also Carol’s copy of _Charlotte’s Web_ , which Therese was in the middle of reading. As she placed each book on the shelf, Therese wondered how it had come into Carol’s possession. Therese knew that she liked to read, they had spoken of it before, but as she stood back and admired the overflowing shelf, she thought about how much she was yet to learn about Carol.

A cheery tune rang out from the utility room – the washing machine singing out that it was done. Therese pulled the wet clothes from the machine, sorted the underclothes and delicates to hang, and threw the rest into the dryer. She draped the delicates over the wooden drying rack, and carried it out into the sun of the balcony. It was still early, and the sun was warm, but without the punch of midday. Carol had a table and chairs on the balcony now, and Therese settled there – still dressed in Carol’s robe – reading _Charlotte’s Web._ She had read her own copy perhaps seven or eight times before, so quickly found her place.

The sound of Carol’s telephone ringing jolted her, as if she had been asleep rather than reading. It rang again, and again, and again, as Therese decided whether to answer it. It could be Carol, she thought. And if it wasn’t, she could always pretend that she was just a cleaning lady. She stepped in from the balcony, and tiptoed barefoot across the living room floor, as if the person on the other end could already hear her. She gripped the handset and lifted it slowly towards her ear.

“Hello?” It was Carol’s voice.

“Oh, Carol! I wasn’t sure whether to answer it. Thank God it’s you.”

Carol laughed. She was just taking a few minutes away from working to phone and check in, she told her.

“I’m just reading on the balcony,” Therese said. She didn’t mention the laundry, because Carol would say she should have left it. “I’m going home shortly.”

“Oh?” Carol said, and Therese could hear the surprise and disappointment in her voice. “Okay.”

Carol asked if she was working tomorrow, and she was, so Carol would drop by and see her, she said. She had an appointment in the afternoon, so would be there some time after four o’clock.

After hanging up the phone, Therese took a shower, and wrapped in a towel, walked across to Carol’s bedroom. She was planning to dress in yesterday’s clothes and go home, but she found herself pulling back the covers and climbing into bed – on Carol’s side. She turned her head to breathe in Carol’s pillow. It smelled of her – her shampoo, a hint of cigarette smoke, and something else that Therese could not describe as anything other than Carol. She curled up with the pillow, so that her head rested on it, but so that she could also cuddle it. Her lips rested against the soft cotton, her eyes closed and she felt herself drift into reveries of holding Carol, and then slowly, sleep crept up and took over.

Therese woke hours later. She placed Carol’s pillow on the head of the bed, and smoothed the covers back. She pulled on yesterday’s clothes. She hadn’t been intending to sleep, but at least now the laundry was dry, and she could fold it for Carol. She brought the clothes in from the drying rack too, and folded it all carefully and placed it on the bed in neat piles of underwear, blouses, skirts, and trousers. She folded her own pyjamas, and Carol’s, and piled them together on the bed too. She would leave hers here.

As she left the apartment, she carried the cardboard boxes that once held the books. She had collapsed the boxes down, but wasn’t sure where the building’s trashcans were and didn’t want to leave the mess in Carol’s apartment. She would carry them on the subway back to her place if she had to. But when Jack opened the front door, he had offered to take them.

 

Arriving home late afternoon, Therese found a package from NYU in her mailbox. She had ripped it open, desperate to find what was inside. It was a collection of booklets about the university, its various clubs and sporting groups, accommodation and fees. She was yet to accept the university’s offer, and she wouldn’t, she knew. But still, she sat at her kitchen table and poured over the booklets and pamphlets, carefully absorbing every word. Her eyes scanned over the faces of the students in the photographs.

As the afternoon grew dark, her stomach began to grumble, and her fridge had nothing to offer, so Therese ducked across the street for 95-cent soup and bread. On the counter of the diner sat a days-old newspaper.

She unfurled it and carefully turned its pages. It would be in here, she was sure. Her eyes scanned each page, and then there it was, on page eleven, right by her thumb - the advertisement for Oklahoma. Underneath it, a list of dates and times. Therese traced her finger along the paper's rough surface, until it landed on today's date. "7pm," it read. She thought of the route from Carol's apartment to the theatre. It wasn't far, and the afternoon had a cool summer breeze, so perhaps Carol had walked. Or maybe she had hailed a taxi on the street - her manicured hand raised to the sky. As the driver saw Carol's wave, Therese thought how his breath would catch in his throat at the realisation that this beautiful and mysterious woman would soon talk to him, and sit just a few feet away. Abby would probably be waiting on the sidewalk at the theatre, and the two women would hug, and place kisses on cheeks. Therese wondered how Abby would feel sitting so close to Carol - sharing the same armrest in the dark. She wondered if Abby would want to reach her hand across, and run her fingertip along Carol's forearm. Therese felt her stomach react to the thought.

She didn’t know why she had opened the paper, or why she felt the need to think it through so carefully. She cursed herself for doing so. She felt jealous, of not just Abby, but of everyone else in the theatre with Carol. Therese had never been to a Broadway show, and she could not imagine ever being able to just casually buy two tickets as a surprise.

Therese tossed the newspaper back across the counter, and fished 95 cents from her pocket, dropping it on the table. As she crossed the road to her building, Therese decided that tomorrow she would ask Mr Donohue for more shifts at the picture house. Maybe she could even ask for a pay rise, since she had more responsibility working in the projection room now. She would start to save more.

 

 

Therese was showered, and sitting up reading in bed, when she heard the door buzzer. It was past eleven o’clock. Thinking that someone must have accidentally pressed the wrong apartment number, she kept reading until it buzzed again a few moments later. After buzzing back, Therese stood on her tiptoes, her eye pressed to the apartment door peephole. The blurry image of a blonde woman was unmistakable, and Therese pulled the door open as soon as she appeared.

“I couldn’t wait until tomorrow,” Carol smiled, squeezing past Therese into the apartment.

Carol was dressed in the finest clothes – a blue shoulderless dress that hugged her body down to her knees. Her hair was pinned up, exposing her neck and the pearls draped around it. Therese had never seen her so done up, and when Carol leant in to kiss her, Therese felt herself the luckiest person who had ever lived. Carol would have turned heads this evening – she always did, but tonight, like this, even more so. And here she was, with Therese, wanting Therese to kiss her.

And then Carol kicked off her shoes, and they flung a few feet away, landing on Therese’s old, falling-apart couch. She groaned, as if to say ‘my feet are killing me’, and Therese couldn’t wipe the smile from her face.

And then she grabbed Therese by the hand and pulled her towards the bathroom. “Come talk to me while I shower. I have barely seen you all day!”

Therese unclasped the necklace for her, and unzipped her dress. Therese sat on the closed lid of the toilet, while Carol pulled pins out of her hair, and strands of hair began to fall to her shoulders. As Carol pulled down the dress and peeled off stockings, Therese sat there smiling, and listening to Carol talk about the show, and laughing about the man sitting next to her who had started snoring during the second act.

As Carol ran the shower, and stepped behind the curtain, the room began to fill with steam. As the smell of shampoo surrounded them, Carol asked about her day – What did she do at her place? How did she get home? What did she have for lunch? What about dinner? Therese told her about the package from NYU, but she didn’t mention the newspaper at the diner.

When Carol turned off the water, and pulled back the curtain, and Therese saw her barefaced with wet hair, she knew that there was no need to be jealous of the people at the show this evening. They had seen her all done up, yes, but they would never see Carol like this. Carol was beautiful in the finest gown and perfect make up. But she was her most beautiful like this. Barefaced and fresh from the shower, or first thing in the morning, with one eye barely peeled open. Carol would never cross Manhattan to see them at nearly midnight, and she would never pull them by the hand into the bathroom just so they would talk to her while she showered. Carol would not care what they had for lunch, or what book they were reading, and what it was about, and how much they had read today. She wouldn't ask them about these details. Only her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm here! I've been struggling with motivation etc. I didn't read this back, so hopefully it's okay/better than nothing.


	30. Chapter 30

It became a regular thing for Carol to stay at Therese’s apartment. It didn’t make much sense, since Carol’s was bigger, and nicer, and they could comfortably fit side-by-side in her bed. But there Carol would be, as she left the picture house late at night, and they would walk back to Therese’s together. If it was dark and quiet, Carol would grab her hand and hold it for half a block. Sometimes Carol would let herself up to the apartment with her copy of Therese’s key – and she would surprise Therese who was already in bed, reading. She would hear the key in the apartment door lock, and toss her book aside, ready for Carol to join her.

A few mornings, Therese woke before sunrise, to the sound of Carol being sick. She would jump out of bed, run down the hall, and rub her back as Carol kneeled over the toilet. She’d offer her water, and help her back to bed when there was nothing left to throw up. Carol would usually fall back to sleep again, and Therese would mill about the apartment on her tiptoes. She’d poke her head in to check on her, and sometimes she’d climb back into bed too, and they’d curl up together. Therese knew it was the baby that was making Carol sick, but they didn’t mention it often.

On this particular Saturday morning – a day off for both of them – Therese opened her eyes to find Carol awake and watching her. Her eyelids were sandpaper, and after a few scrunched blinks, she rested them closed again, and pulled Carol close. She felt Carol’s lips softly press to one of her eyelids, and then the other, and she felt Carol’s arms wrap around her. She felt the weight of her head fall back down on to their shared pillow, and she felt the air around her grow warm and humid, as Carol’s breaths grew deep and steady again.

When she woke again, it was to Carol’s lips upon her own. The reaction of her body drew her out from heavy slumber, and she skipped past consciousness, as a primitive reaction from deep within took over her self. Her tongue pushed through Carol’s lips, into her warm mouth, and her hand slipped up under the borrowed shirt that she wore, gripping tight on to the skin of Carol’s waist. In response, Carol’s movements became firmer too, and Therese felt her hand on her thigh, lifting her leg up over Carol’s hip. Her hand stayed firm there, on her leg, as Carol flipped Therese from her side on to her back, landing on top of her, firmly between her legs.

Therese only now opened her eyes, to find them together there in her tiny twin bed. They both wore only t-shirts – Carol’s borrowed from Therese – and nothing underneath. Therese could feel the roughness of Carol’s pubic hair up against her, resting between her legs.

“Good morning,” Carol said. “What would you like?”

“Mmmm… just kiss me some,” Therese said, and she pulled Carol down in to her.

This time when they kissed, and the wet of their mouths met, so did the wet between their legs. Therese felt herself moving against Carol, as if she couldn’t control it, as if there was something written into her DNA that had her do it. She could feel Carol move against her, too. The position of their bodies meant that in their grinding, they only met briefly and awkwardly, but when she felt Carol against her, it was like a shock of electricity, and the air between them buzzed with it. So Therese grinded herself against that thick air, too. The touch of the nothing filling the space between the clash of their bodies.

“More,” Therese whispered.

And then she felt Carol’s hand grip under her leg, pushing her knee up into her chest, and Carol positioned herself more directly over her. Carol firmly holding the back of her knee, Therese felt the air hit between her legs, fully exposed. Therese kept her eyes on Carol’s face, as she watched her lower herself on to her, until their exposed folds met precisely. Therese saw Carol’s eyes open wide, and roll slightly back, and then she dipped her head to meet Therese’s. The sensation so strong, Therese knew that with just the slightest movement, it would all be over much too soon.

“Slowly,” Therese whispered, into Carol’s mouth.

And then Carol pushed all of her tongue into Therese’s mouth, and she started to slowly grind down in to her. And with the first movement, Therese had cried out, her hands gripping hard on to Carol’s hips, forcing them harder together. And Carol kept going, so before Therese could even recover, it had started to build again. She felt Carol’s fingers grip even tighter behind her knee, and it pushed so hard into her chest that her breaths could only come fast and shallow.

“Come with me,” Carol breathed. And that was all she needed to hear, and she did again, and between their legs pulsed and twitched together, as Carol’s tongue dove deep into her mouth.

Carol loosened her grip on Therese’s leg, but continued to slowly rub herself against her as they gasped and gasped to regain their breaths.

“Oh my god, Carol,” Therese laughed, when she finally could.

“I know,” Carol laughed, falling on to the mattress beside her.

They laid there a few minutes, the rise and fall of their stomachs and chests eventually slowing to a normal rate.

“Can I take you out for breakfast?” Carol eventually asked.

“I can make us eggs and toast,” Therese said, thinking of the money.

“Okay. I want to talk to you about some things,” Carol said, climbing out of bed. Therese watched Carol walk naked down the hallway towards the bathroom. She could see a glistening between her thighs. “You coming?” Carol called out, as Therese heard the shower start to run.

 

 

Therese poached four eggs, while Carol made the coffee. When Therese leaned across her to push down the toast, she placed a kiss to the tip of Carol’s nose. It was late morning by the time the toast was buttered, the eggs were poached, and the coffee was poured, and they sat at the small kitchen table.

“So, I’ve been thinking…” Carol started. “And I want you to hear me out before you interrupt, okay?”

Therese nodded, taking a deep breath, her breakfast growing cold.

“I think that you should move in with me. I’d be happy to live here, but there’s just not enough room. And it is wasteful for us to pay two lots of rent. I love what we have now, but coming over late at night just isn’t sustainable. It is time for us to make some decisions and start moving forward,” Carol said. “If you’ll have me,” she added, eyes darting up to Therese. “And now, I know there’s a lot to go through. There’s a lot for us to decide. But I think we can make it work, and I want to make it work and –“

“Yes,” Therese said. “I know I said I wouldn’t interrupt but yes, I’ll move in with you.”

“Oh,” Carol said, a smile growing on her lips. “Well, there are logistics to arrange, and we need to discuss –“

“The baby,” Therese said.

“Yes, there’s that. I’m not talking about living together like roommates, Therese. I’m talking about our lives becoming one. There will be a lot to adjust to. I want you to think about it.”

“How do you propose it would work?” Therese’s face grew hot at her use of the word ‘propose’, as if they spoke of marriage.

“I’m going to speak to Abby about the possibility of working more. Maybe full time. I’ll work as long as I can until the baby is due.” Carol began to eat her eggs and toast, as if she had rehearsed this speech hundreds of times, and knew the plan front-to-back. “That should be well into your second semester of college. It’s up to you whether you keep working on weekends, but I’d probably prefer if you didn’t once the baby is here, so that we could have time together as a family. From there, we’ll decide again when I should go back to work.”

“Carol. We’ve spoken about this college thing.”

“I called them yesterday, and Monday is the last day to accept the offer. I really think you should go. It would give me pleasure.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, both more stubborn than each other.

It was Carol who spoke again. “Listen, why not just enroll for the first semester? If you don’t like it, or if it’s not working out for us, we can talk about it then.”

Therese looked at the pile of NYU booklets sitting shoved to the side of the kitchen table. They had been there for weeks. There must have been a reason she hadn’t put them away, or thrown them.

“How about in terms of privacy? You know we can’t be a real family to anyone else,” Therese said.

“It’s no one’s business,” Carol said, simply, sipping her coffee. And then she said pointed her knife across the table to Therese’s plate and said, “Have your breakfast. It’s getting cold.”

“What about…” Therese couldn’t say his name. She swore she never would again.

“Don’t worry about that. He knows of the pregnancy and he’s happy. He will stay on my good side, as he desperately wants to see the baby. He doesn’t know about us, but I suspect he will figure it out shortly. We can’t let fear dictate our lives, Therese. If it becomes a problem, we will deal with it then.”

“I love your optimism, but I think that we will need a story. People are bound to ask who we are to one another, and I need something to tell Dannie and Phil.”

“I’m a single woman who is about to have a baby,” Carol shrugged. “You’re studying, but have plenty of time on the side to help me with house stuff and the baby. Like a live-in nanny. It works for both of us, in terms of cost and benefit.”

Therese nodded, finally picking up her knife and fork, cutting into an egg. Its yolk ran, staining orange over toast.

“I’ve thought about this, Therese. I really think it would work. So long as you want it.”

Therese chewed her eggs and sipped coffee, before eventually asking, “Why do you love me?”

“Why do _you_ love _me_?” Carol asked in reply.

“Because…” Therese began, but she was not sure what reason to give. “Because… you’re Carol,” she finally said.

“And I love you because you’re Therese.”

“But I’ve nothing to give or to –“

“It’s not about who has what to give, Therese. I love you because you’re you.” Carol reached across the table and took her hand. “You’re funny, and kind, and honest. And you’re just the cutest thing. But these are things people say, and they don’t really mean much. You’re all of those things that they say and sing and write, but I love you because you’re Therese. We’re Therese and Carol. I have no other reasons to give, just as you have no reasons for why you love me. I know you like to tell and be told, but the truth is that it transcends words, and you’re asking a much bigger question that is perhaps best directed toward philosophers.”

“Okay,” Therese finally said.

“Okay what?”

“Okay to all of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit (August 18th):
> 
> This story is over. Thank you, dear readers. What comes next is up to you.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic (well, first anything!) I've ever written, so feedback appreciated.


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